[ Post a Response | Angel On My Shoulder ]
Posted by itsdetailed on 11/14/2007, 10:50 am
I'm not one for posting on forums, especially about myself and personal issues, but everyone seems to be pretty accepting and caring here so I thought I'd give it a try.
Last September my father was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer, it has been over a year now that he has had his surgeries and treatments. I try to get home as often as I can and I know that time is short. He's slowed down quite a bit now but he has given such a fight, he just won't stop going despite the odds. Brain cancer is hard, he's not himself at all. The day I first saw him after I was given the news I noticed he just wasn't himself. It has disrupted not only his physical life but his mental, he can barely read and can't read numbers (like dialing a phone or deal with money). It's a huge life change for him, he was so independent, never took a tylenol in his life now he takes morphine 2-3 times a day, is on a load of steroids, etc ,etc, etc.
It's been a rough year. I used drugs for 8 months not realizing until this spring that I was doing it to deal with dad, now I'm clean but I've finally started to understand all that has happened and it's rough. It is hard now to accept I was a drug addict, no one knew. My partner and I both feel into the downward spiral, but it was he who was the stronger one and said it's time to stop, thank god, because I don't know where'd I'd be right now if he didn't. I'm a follower not a leader by nature.
I couldn't even cry for those 8 months, I was just in a routine. He did treatment where I live, in the city, and he was in and out of the hospital here so I looked after him, saw him go through unbelievable pain and procedures.
When fall hit this year it gave me goosebumps, it brought back all of the shit from last year, now it's winter. The ground is freezing and I can't help but think that he won't be able to be buried and I'll have to wait almost another year.
Sometimes, in moments of anger and frustration I say to myself I want it to just be over, it's hard for me to admit this. I can't really open;y talk about it all either, I hold back a lot.
I guess I'm just writing for advice, anyone who has went through similar experiences, advice for what is to come, you know. I'd hoped that writing this would help but it just made me anxious.
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