[ Post a Response | Angel On My Shoulder ]
Posted by Turquoise
on 1/27/2008, 3:04 pm
Greetings, my friends,
My story is so long, it must be posted in two parts. This is PART ONE:
My name is Turquoise; I am 62 yrs old, a retired horse trainer from the State of Washington. My precious, most beloved husband, Michael, made his journey home, June 20, 2005, 10:40 PM, after a devastating, decimating, bravely fought, 3 yr journey of stage IV stomach cancer. We shared our married life for 37 yrs. We were closely entwined sweethearts from the instant we met to our final shared breath. Had no children and neither of us had any family. We were each other's family. We had bumps, curves and potholes in our life but the clear spirit of the pure synchronicity we shared, blessed us with the crystal clarity to love deeply, freely and beyond eternity. Yes, I lost my spiritual soul mate, my kindred spirit......the love of my life.....whose face was my moon, his smile my sun, his eyes my stars, but Michael will always be a part of me and my life. I will never, ever forget my Michael or our devotion to each other and our shared love. But, I choose to be happy again. My life will never be the same as the one I shared with Michael. However, I choose to create a new life that will make Michael proud of me. By creating a new life, the essence of Michael's beautiful spirit will live on THROUGH me.
Hours after Michael's Crossing Over, I nearly went insane with the overwhelming, devastating, macerating pain that became an unwanted companion. For a short, horrifying time, my strong, well-tended Beliefs flew away and hid in distant, giant trees. I was thrashing in an ocean of confused agony. It felt like my entire being was slashed and ripped by dull chain saws and shredded by shards of broken glass. The agony felt like the force of a million cannon balls slamming explosively into my mid-section. I was battered from every possible angle with explosions of dark, suffocating desolation. I screamed out to anyone and everyone……………"What do I do? How do I make it through the next second……..the next 10 seconds………the next 60 seconds???" For answers, I received blank stares and averted faces which only sped up the perceived draining of my soul.
A few days later, I was at our local office supply store making copies of Michael's death certificate. Shaking with an empty weariness only the bereaved can understand, I saw a poster lying on a nearby copy machine. It was a quote from St. Francis of Assisi which read "Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible." Just those few little words of guidance opened my heart and began allowing the strength of my Beliefs to return and nurture me through the greatest of all lessons of learning and enrichment of my lifetime. That quote became my Mantra. It was a tool, an aid, a beginning.
I am deeply & humbly grateful my darling is free of the pain and damage of cancer and chemo. Now, he is whole, beautiful, healed, free and joyful. I know he is laughing and running and shining with the brilliancy of the beauty of his true spirit. And yet, when you see me weep, worry not, as it is merely the expression of the human part of me watering the beautiful memories in the "Garden of Our Togetherness" and, also, a clearing out any remaining particles from the agony of loss. By doing so, it makes room for many more loving memories to fill in the empty spaces. I hold onto the pain of grief ever so lightly, so it's lifting is gentle and swift.
Immediately after Michael made his journey Home, I made a conscious choice to heal the pain of loss. I searched hard for positive, forward-moving guidance. I tried 11 different support groups, to no avail. I did not want to remove the pain of grief, nor did I want to get stuck in a puddle of grief. I was seeking guidance of how to FACE GRIEF AND MOVE THROUGH IT to learn the lessons grief needed to teach me. I only desired support for healing and NOT the enabling of perennial suffering. I did not want to become a bitter, hand-wringing, whimpering caricature of my former self, living life dragging grief around like a ball and chain. I knew, even at the earliest stage of loss, I did, indeed, have a choice of whether or not to allow anger and destructive behaviors to be a part of my grief. Instead, I chose healing.
With the tenacity of a badger, I forged on, telling myself daily, hourly and even moment to moment, that I knew, without a shadow of doubt, I would make it through the fires of this great adversity intact and become even stronger. I wrote out those very words and other words of affirmation and read them to myself at least four times/day. I read a total of 75 books. I scoured the internet. I called......I sought help.....I faxed whomever I could, to seek guidance and healing. I found the Grief Recovery Institute, located a qualified GRI trained counselor and embarked on gifting myself with the tools of healing.
I totally believe and accept grief is not a life sentence of pain. It is, though, the vehicle of necessity to move me through the transition from being Michael's wife to being Turquoise, newly single, healing, beautiful and loved by Michael. Although grief arrived uninvited, free will is mine to choose how long its tentacles are able to clutch at my being.
My healing can only be activated in the moment of the present. I cannot exist in the past. Mourning ended when I realized strengths could be brought from the past to help create my new life in the present. The mourning of Michael ceased the instant I accepted living once again. For then, my focus shifted from loss, pain & devastation to concentrating on the new life being created. The loss, pain and devastation then became added strengths by being reabsorbed into my healing.
**PLEASE CONTINUE ON TO PART TWO**
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