[ Post a Response | Angel On My Shoulder ]
Posted by Judith on 1/29/2008, 4:25 am, in reply to "Re: Keeping strength"
Your Rob is right there with you. It just takes time to develop your 'sense' of him. When I was grieving very hard, I searched and seeked for Roy so hard, that I was frustrated and angry that he wasn't with me.
Then, I broke down.. I mean TOTAL meltdown, was crying soooo hard, my asthma started and I was starting to squeal and not being able to breath I was soooooooooooo upset, and I literally felt his hand on my shoulder and I immediately calmed down...
When I go to the back room after something has been bothering me for a while and I ask him to help me out, I swear I smell his cologne. Sometimes the smell of the soap he used to wash his hands is abundant in the front bathroom, and I put all his soaps away... (as I type I am smiling, because I know he's with me)
Sometimes just a special song that you and Rob used to listen to on the radio is just Rob saying he's thinking of you, sort of like a dedication to you... Or a fleeting thought of a wonderful memory you have, that's him. I just realised that if you look tooooo hard, you can't see.. you must open your heart to see.
Find your Rob in your children if you have any, in the sunrise in the morning, in the falling stars if you talk a midnight stroll, in the friends and family reminescing... that is how it started for me.
They can come in your dreams when you are relaxed... but those dreams are painful, cuz when you awaken, you think its all a joke, that he's not dead. The first dream I had of Roy was that he was in hiding and his mother was the only one who knew where he was... I was looking for Roy in my dream all night.. and when I finally found him, I woke up.. (oh, I was mad that morning)
But then there are moments when I dream and he and I are just snuggling and I can taste his sweet lips on mine, just peaceful, and when I feel myself waking up, I make myself stay in that dream because I don't want to leave him yet.
I haven't had dreams of Roy lately, but I know he's helping me through my neck problems... I get to restart work on the 10th of February. I am very excited.
So, Jill... it just takes time, and when our hearts are still very sore and hurting so badly, we just aren't ready to 'see' or 'smell' or 'hear' our husbands... it took me a long time before I developed my inner sense.
Don't despair,,, your Rob is in Heaven, helping you out. My friend who's husband hung himself, finally came to her 10 months after he passed away. He had to resolve his issues first, and I told her, he was now in Heaven, riding his bicycle. He was an avid cyclist. She started crying soooo hard. Its been very hard for her too.
Jill, I send you my prayers that God continues to send you his strength and that His angels keep holding you, and that your AJ will make himself present to you in his unique ways.
Lovingly,
Judith
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