[ Post a Response | Angel On My Shoulder ]
Posted by Judith on 2/7/2008, 2:40 am
I went home for the first 10 days after Roy's passing, to be with my mother and father... this continues from my journal entry:
The next few months are a blur. I can't remember if I cried before getting on the plane home. I don't remember how I got to the airport. I just know that my mother-in-law picked me up from the airport. We went to lunch that afternoon. Both a little silent, but, I believe, relieved that we were there for each other. Roy always hoped that his 'ma' and I would get along like girlfriends. In the next few months, you will realise, that we become much more.
My very first time back at our apartment after that first 10 days away, was the hardest thing I had to do. I cried for 8 hours, and fell asleep. When I woke up, I started crying all over again. My dearest friend, confiedente, and beloved husband of mine, my honeybear, wasn't here.
My card friends wanted me to join a Tuesday night league, just to get me out of the apartment. I joined. I managed to make it out to all but 2. It was a welcome distraction.
Also, getting back to work. Obviously not with it, I am a registred nurse, and I had taken an order from the physician and wrote in the chart, telephone order Dr. (patient's name)/Judith Rivard-Dixon, RN. The physician that morning called me a moron nurse. The next nurse taking over for me, chuckled first and then said she just lost her husband 2 weeks ago. This was her first night back. Cut her some slack. Protected by my coworkers, and given 'tasky' assignments, was also a welcome distraction.
The next days continued on, and then came Roy's birthday. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to be reminded that I did not have him here to celebrate his birthday. Our best man at our wedding and his wife, invited me out to dinner. Thoughtful friends with kind hearts. Paul, Roy's brother went over by his parents and they had a little dinner. So, Roy's birthday was remembered. And I went to work that night. (I think I cried at work that night). My head still spinning and my heart aaching. I managed another shift.
The next months were filled with the physical discomforts of grieving. You know, the sleeplessness, the anxiety, the stomach aches, flu-like symptoms, heart burn, acid-reflux, and chest pain discomforts. The nightmares of stabbing myself in the heart were the worst. The agony of not knowing if I would pull through. Calling in sick and risking getting fired from work. I needed to get myself together. Even the most understanding coworkers deserve to be relieved when their shift is over. So, a little bit of this anxiolytic, and a little bit of this sleeping pill, and maybe even a grief counselling might be in my best interest.
So, to the doctor I went, and I joined an online grief group: "Angel-on-my-shoulder" A site dedicated to honour the memories of all our lost ones. Our heartaches, our triumphs, and most of all, supporting each other. Now, I am getting my sleep, I believe my work is almost back on track, and I"m getting help. But I am still a long way from being 'alright'.
Sometimes, I just needed to be told what I needed to do. I have a very understanding supervisor. She recognized there were things going on that were so out of character for me. She took me aside, and just let me talk to her. She listened, she let me cry, and foremost, she understood. She and I sat down and worked out a temporary solution to my having difficulties getting back into the swing of things. I have to say, so far, its been easier for me. Thank you dear friend, you saved me in more ways than you can imagine.
Its been several more months now, and I have been able to get back to the root of being a nurse. I have found a new strength in my ability to care for patients. I can relate to how the family feels from a personal perspective. I know this has changed my nursing forever. I joke about how I became a nurse, but the real reason was because I sincerely wanted to help people. I thank Roy for showing me the 'other side' of helping. The glimpse of what a nurse really can do for people. I now use God's guidance to help me help my patients and their families. Roy, not only did you help me with my heart, but you boosted my nursing to a level I might not ever have attained. I thank you so much. God is with me. Everyday, when I miss you, it is God who reminds me, that you are still with me in my heart...
Written one year ago, 1st year anniversary of Roy's death.
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