[ Post a Response | Angel On My Shoulder ]
Posted by Judith
on 4/10/2008, 9:18 am, in reply to "death of my boyfriend"
Andrea,
I lost my husband after only 2 years of marriage, and although its been 2 years, 2 months and 3 days, since his passing, there are still days that haunt me, that I am ALONE. That he is not here anymore.
The pain you are suffering right now, is so harsh. It pulls at your heart, tries to pull it apart, and the crying... the crying so hard, you choke and you can't breath, you feel like you are suffocating, you can't sleep, because when you close your eyes, you relive the last few minutes/hours/days with your sweetheart.
People around you say, you will get by. That is not what you need to hear right now... they are only trying to be helpful and supportive, forgive them.
Its okay!!! to fall apart, to feel pissed that he left you, to feel angry that he died, to feel empty and want to just jump off a tall building, or dig a large hole and crawl into it... its okay to cry, its okay to scream, its OKAY...
to feel as you do.
1 month is so hard, my first month is still a blur. Your body is probably exhausted from crying, screaming, yelling for him, not being able to sleep because he's not next to you...
Eventually, though, you know what? the pain subsides... it does, Andrea... I promise it will.
I had really bad nightmares that I would be stabbing myself in the heart from all the pain I was feeling, there are a few times I thought I could just drive off the overpass, but didn't want to injure any oncoming traffic, or, stay in the car while its on in the garage, but its very hard not to give in to those thoughts just to be with him.. but you must think what your boyfriend would want you to do? My husband made me promise that I wouldn't cry when he left... YEAH, RIGHT!
but, he loved my smiles, my hair, and my laughter... so, if I died, he wouldn't be able to hear me laugh, to see me smile from heaven, so, I started journalling my feelings...
Journals, cross stitching, poetry, support group, a doctor's prescription for sleeping pills, and an anti-anxiety med, and just talking about the wonderful moments me and my roy had together, has helped me through.
There are still moments I fall apart, and just as recently as 2 weeks ago, while on the phone with my mother. But, the pain has subsided.
I send you my hugs, and heartfelt prayers, that your suffering is eased soon. That your pain is lifted, and that you can find in your heart, those special moments you and your boyfriend shared, to help you remember, that he will always be with you...
Lovingly,
Judith
Responses: