[ Post a Response | Angel On My Shoulder ]
Posted by Vicki
on 9/8/2008, 10:32 am, in reply to "Loss of my young husband"
Sweet Vicki,
Just feel my arms around you. You can cry on my shoulders. THis is such a hard time right now.
Family and friends just are uncomfortable and haven't a clue how to comfort or what to say that doesn't sound 'dumb'. As for not offering to take your son, their thought processes are probably, you two need some time to be together to help you get through.
Its hard to ask for help, when you don't have enough energy to barely get up in the mornings. Its hard to pick up the phone and call one of your friends knowing that you might get the husband instead.
People nearby you will eventually come around, they won't avoid you too long< I hope. My card friends used to call me on Tuesdays to make sure I was coming, and I have to tell you, the person who supported me the most, was my girlfriend in manitoba, and My mother in law.
I would call her, or she would call me and we'd do breakfast together. I remember we would chit=chat about small talk and then we'd both start to cry softly, take a bite of breakfast and wipe the tears. And start all over again. But it got me out. And it got my mom in law out also.
My girlfriend in Manitoba would just sit and listen to me on the phone for sometimes a good 20 minutes until I'd finish crying.
My mom told me she didn't know what to say to console me. At least she was honest. The only thing mommy needed to do for me, is to hold me and let me cry on her shoulder (which is what she did of course).
I almost lost a 20 year friendship because she 'pushed me around'. She told me what I needed to do, when I needed to do it, and that it had to be done THIS WAY. I was grieving, I didn't need to be 'bossed around'. So, the moral of my story is... while grieving, people who try could be darned if they do, and darned if they don't.
THe suddenness of losing your husband adds to the pain. I knew my sweetheart was dying, so I was a little 'more prepared'. But there is shock and tragedy feelings that you still need to sort through. Give yourself time, Vicki.
Your friends will come through for you. We are all here also, just to listen, and share some of our experiences.
I would have dreams that I was stabbing myself in the heart over and over again, like in a Jason movie, because my heart hurt so badly. It was terrible.
Driving from the funeral home that first week, everytime I'd go over the overpass, I always though how easy it'd have been to just drive right over the edge onto the other highway below. Or coming home from work in the mornings, how easy it would be to close the garage door and let the car run with me inside it.
The feelings of not wanting to be around because the pain is soooooooooooooooo intolerable, can be very strong, but its okay. Its part of working through this terrible pain.
Crying is okay too. There is alot of healing in tears. And don't let the no tears fool you. You may not cry all the time, but it sometimes catches you off guard, and then, you can be at work and lose it, or in a grocery aisle and you spot your husband's favourite item, and then, BANG... you're standing in the middle of pick n save, bawling your eyes out. Ah well, don't mind her, she's grieving.
I wish you all my love and prayers, Vicki. That your husband continues to send you his love, and that God sends you His Angels to help support you during this trying time.
I will be around a little more the next few months, and I am a very good listener.
Hugs for you, Vicki.
Lovingly
Judith
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