[ Post a Response | Angel On My Shoulder ]
Posted by Judith on 9/21/2008, 9:13 pm, in reply to "Re: Have lost my dearest love"
I know about not having enough time. I only had the briefest of moments with the world's sweetest man. His family still holds me as their precious daughter in law, even though we were married only 17 months.
He was raised by the most endearing of parents, and his brother, although he's having troubles right now, is the sweetest man who deserves much better. I owe my heart and my love, and my new found life to my husband who left me to be with Heaven's angels and God. I miss Roy so much, that it hurts. I wrote alot of poems about the autumn and the winter time. Two of my favourite seasons and Roy loved autumn and summer. There is nothing I can say to you to take your hurt away.
I can only offer you hope that the hurt subsides and you get used to just having a scar after a while. Moments when that scar will hurt again, when a memory hits you hard, and you begin to cry once more. But you look at your pictures, you read the poems and letters he wrote to you, you re-read the letters you wrote to him before and after he passed away. You go through your journals about how much you miss him and love him still.
All of this, helps you just to get through, and that scar heals a little bit more.
Our anniversary date is October 9th, and its fast approaching. I get so tense and anxious, my insomnia kicks in from September til the end of January. I know its because I miss Roy. The man who gave me my fairy tale wedding in a Catholic church, on a beautiful autumn day, in front of all our friends and family. I truly felt like Cinderella, but now he's in Heaven, and I celebrate our together day alone. Thanksgiving is rough, and then Christmas... our last Christmas I went home to see my family, and he wasn't feeling well to come with me. I wished I had known it was to be our last together.
My heart pains soooooooooooooooooooooooo much about my decision. What was I thinking?????????
I keep trying to forgive myself, but I am having a lot of trouble letting that go. What happened happened, and I cannot change that decision which burns in my heart every moment I think about Christmas.
And now, as I am typing to you, the memory of the day at the funeral home just flashed by. The pain and the exact feeling of grief I had in my heart that day returns. What I was looking at, and who was holding my hand and sitting next to me, and how the white roses were trickling over the table next to his ashes and his hat, scarf, and sunglasses... sorry had to pause while I just blurted out some heavy cries.
Even after 2 1/2 years, there are still moments when the pain returns and just stabs at your heart and you just have to wait to let it pass.
Sylvia, I didn't mean to make this about me, I am truly sorry for the loss of your beloved sweet man. You are right though, 17 months, 5 years, just isn't enough. Even those who lose thier spouses after 50 years, isn't enough time.
I hold out my arms to just hold you and let you cry on my shoulders, and I would love to hear your beautiful stories about your sweet heart.
lovnigly,
Judith
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