[ Post a Response | Angel On My Shoulder ]
Posted by Princess
on 10/23/2008, 8:14 pm
i am new to this site. I have so much admiration for those of u who have experienced so great losses but u manage to go on and to offer support and encouragement to others!
i lost the love of my life, Michael, almost a month ago. he was diagnosed with colon cancer in February which spread to his liver. He died in September. We prayed for a miracle, for God to heal him, but he only got worse. It was so difficult to watch him deteriorate,, eyes turn yellow, not be able to eat, lose weight, and suffer through chemo.
we had the opportunity to talk about his impending death, obituary, and funeral. it was hard at times to have such conversations but very necessary. I cried a lot and he would hold me and comfort me, telling me that he wanted and needed me to go on living and not to die when he died. I told him so many times that I just couldnt imagine my life without him. I find it so hard to live without him. I go to sleep thinking about him and wake up thinking about him. Every part of my life contains memories of him. Wherever I go, whatever I do, there are beautiful memories of him. I know that he is my soulmate and I hurt so bad! i cry all the time, and some days I just dont want to go on living. The pain,, the emptiness,, the lonliness is unbearable. This is so unfair and the pain is so deep. I have not yet had a dream about him but I feel his presence around me, being the wonderful man that he is, looking out for me.
How long will I hurt? Sometimes I feel that I am losing my mind and just want to scream as loud as I can. When I think about not seeing him in this life again,, it overwhelms me. I just don't know how to go on without him. I dont understand why God let this happen to him, to me, to us. We had so many plans. There were so many things that we had planned to do but now will not be able to do. I need to know how to go on, how to gain strength, and how to live without someone who was your life.
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