[ Post a Response | Angel On My Shoulder ]
Posted by Judith
on 11/11/2008, 2:35 am, in reply to "loss of my best friend"
Dearest Matt,
For your loss, I am truly sorry. Please feel my arms around you, just to hold you. I know a little bit of what you are talking about when you say people around you have NO CLUE.
I thought my best friend would be able to help me through, and she was the most selfish person, not thinking of what I might need, but just pushy and trying to tell me what to do all during my grief of losing my husband. She was only trying to help.
Well, we don't talk anymore. She just wasn't there for me for emotional support. I found the support I truly needed right here.
People who have suffered losses as great as these here, are people who get it! I only wanted my girlfriend to get it! She never will.
As for suicide, well, I truly believe its part of grieving. I had visions of stabbing myself in the heart over and over again, like in a horror movie, while sleeping. The thought of driving off the overpass as I would return from the funeral home, could have been so easily done, but I didn't want to hurt the oncoming vehicles. Then, after many dark mornings of returning home from work to an empty apartment, I would wonder if I would just leave the car running in the garage with the door closed, how easy it would be to just fall asleep.
I had one major hold back. I promised my husband, that I would be alright. ALRIGHT?? who am I kidding? Losing my husband was the worst feeling I've ever lived through, and am still going through. Its been 2 1/2 years, and I still have his message on my phone, so I can hear his voice if I need to. My husband loved my smile. And he made me promise, that even when I would cry for him, to look up to Heaven, and flash him a smile. If I were dead, I wouldn't be able to do this.
I have seen my close friend lose her husband to his hanging himself. The anger she is trying hard to deal through is pulling her apart. Suicide isn't the answer, Matt.
I think its just our way of trying to deal with the foreverness of our loved ones not being here anymore, and what do we do now?
I hold my hand out to you, and offer you my prayers, that you find strength and healing with your family, and other friends.
May God's angels keep you safe, and just try to imagine your good friend, safely in God's arms. God loves everyone. He chose to help your friend by accepting him into His arms.
Try to remember the fun stuff you did together. Journal your feelings of wish you were here, and how could you? Don't try to ask why? That will only make you crazy. I threw things and destroyed the back bedroom after Roy died (my husband). I'm still cleaning up the mess back there.
We are here to listen, Matt.
Lovingly,
Judith
Responses: