[ Post a Response | Angel On My Shoulder ]
Posted by Latasha on 12/7/2008, 8:31 pm
Fourteen years ago my mother died. We were more than mother and daughter. I took care of her for many years were were more like sisters. After she died I fell into deep despair. I was also in a bad home environment, emotionally and ecnomically. I feared for my life most of the time. After two yers had passed, emptinally I was in no better shape altough I had gone back to school and acquired skills to assist in getting a job. I would do my school work and go to the summer job I had put in for but was going through the motions. I was catonic most of the time, but when in public, acted normal.
I met a wonderful man that summer and eventually we married. My husband was the force that put me back on an even keel. This pas May, after a 4 year stugggle with cancer, diabetitus and heart problems al due to to the effects of Agent Orange, my husband died. Up until december 2007 he looked and acted like a healthy person inspit eof his true physical condition. We lived in hospitals for six months, and even before that throughout that 4 year period, we lived moment to moment never knowing what the future would bring. I find myself in the same postion but far worse then when my mother died. There are no answers. My husband was the answer to the loss of my mother. In fact we officially became a couple on the anniversay of her death. It just worked out that way, so I always felt she sent him to me. I ache for my husband every day,he was my best friend, my lover, my husband, my soul mate. I am totally lost. People have been very nice, but my life is ruined. When my mother died I tried to find answers to no avail. Where are these people that we long for? My husband used to say to me that we would both go at the same time and in fact the weekend before he died, I suffered a servere migrane headache with shooting painsdown my arm. In retro spect I thought I was going to died before him of a heart attack. We did not think that was a bad thing as we both knew he was not long for this world. He did not wnat to leave me, nor I him.We were going to grow old together, we were still young and were going to travel. The two people who would if they could come back and talk to me would be my husband and my mother. I have not received any messages from them at all. Albert Enstein posed the following question and I take liberties, but essentially it goes like this: Where do we come from? Why are we here? Where do we go when we die? I wnat to know if we were so close to someone, why can't we talk to them anymore if we were so connected emotionally and spirtually? Are there rules that they cannot contact us? Are they lost too and don't know how? I don't know how to contact them, that is certain. All the tears, the stress, the bleak lonliness, the agony, does nothing. Although admirable, doing good works will not bring them back. It is just busy work until the living die. Is there really anything out there at all? Or are we just spinning our wheels so to speak? If I wold commit sucide noon would miss me. However, I miss my husband more thatn I can endure at times. The pain of losing a spouse is completely different than losing a parent. I loved and was as close as an adult child could be to her mother but the paion of losing my husband was far worse. It is a finality that has no solution. I struggle with each day, and have to hold on. Some days are harder than others, but life without my husband is unbearable. How can I reach him? Is he even there?
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