Posted by drama llama on 7/20/2008, 2:24 pm

I feel physically pained... in my heart. I always thought that was a silly notion until it actually happened to me. I can actually feel what I imagine to be my heart shriveling up a little. Stupid choices. There was no chance. I went charging ahead anyway, already having the clarity of my failure firmly planted in my mind's eye. I didn't fail because I assumed I would. I failed because I didn't have the balls to hurt everyone else along the way. I had the insane hope that being 'the good girl' would some how impossibly get me what I wanted. That knowledge is not a very good bandage for my wounds. Dishonorable acts are for brave heroes. I'm just a coward. Too chicken to go all out for my 'prize'. Very few people (if any) on this board would give a rats ass about my problems. I've seen swift evidence of it when others have shown their wounds for everyone to see. I always wondered why they would bother. Here I go though. Exposing this wound for you. I want your callous responses. I want the punishment. It's my version of cutting, I suppose. Is that why others expose their pain here too?

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