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Posted by Candi I was in an awesome relationship, for almost two years. A relationship that saved me, that restored my happiness, my belief that love does exist and is real, that I am a beautiful and worthy person. And with my boyfriend went all that. I moved away to go to school, all the way across the country. We both knew it was coming, and we talked about it, made plans, promised to stick it out. Promised that we loved each other and we would stay together. Things were really hard. It was my first time away from home, away from everybody and everything I knew. I was overwhelmed. I got super homesick and depressed. I was ready to quit and go back home. Back to him. He felt pressured and overwhelmed by my need for him. He said he couldnt be the only thing that made me happy. He couldnt be the only thing I needed. He couldn't be everything to me. I wasn't everything to him. So we took a break. A week later, he told me we were done. Just like that...two years of complete happiness, complete trust, complete communication, sacrifice, sharing. Gone. I thought he would change his mind. I thought he needed a break. I got more used to where I am. Made friends. Went out. I thought that when he saw that I didnt need only him, that I wasnt going to give up my dream for him, that he wasn't EVERYTHING to me, I thought he would say, ok...I still love her, i want her in my life. I thought he would say lets try again. We still talk. At least I call him. I go a few days of not calling him, then my mind becomes completely OVERWHELMED and CONSUMED with thoughts of him, wht he is doing, who is he hanging out with. And i cant do anything, ANYTHING, until I have talked to him. Sometimes the conversations are good. We talk and laugh just like always. But he never says the one thing i want him to say, and I am left disappointed. Other times, something bad happens. He tells me we're done. he tells me to stop trying to change his mind. He tells me that he doesnt want us to hook up at xmas when i get home. that he went to a girl's house last night and hung out and talked. "We never made out or anything. Is that good enough?" thats what he said. "You dont belive me. What do you want me to say?" Its not the issue of whether they "made out" or not. it s the fact that he was up late talking to an old flame (if you can call your neighbour as a child and first kiss an old flame) What were they talking about? Me? Life? His feelings? Each other? Did she make him laugh, did she make him feel good again....cause I dont anymore...... I am slowly killing myself over him. I think about him all the time. Nothing bad happened. He says its not the distnace, he says we're going in different directions in our lives. Can two ppl as close as we were grow apart in a few weeks, or months? I dont undersatnd how he can stop feeling, stop remembering. Stop wantimg to be with me. i know he meant everything he said when we were togther. But he stopped meaning it. How? I'd like to know. cause i cry all the time. Everything is a reminder. Every memory tears apart a little piece of me. i am sick of waiting for him to call. Sick of checking if he messaged me. Sick of draeming about him. Sick of crying. Sick of praying and begging and cursing and hoping with every fiber of my being that this is a nightmare and I will soon wake up. I love him so much. I miss him so much. I am going home for xmas in 7 days. He says he will come get me at the airport (at 3 am) if I "want him to" Something has got to give over xmas. i need him to kill my hope and set me free...... but i dont want to be set free..... i am a masochist. i listen to sad songs, look at pictures....... So, if you have any advice on how I might get him back, give it!! maybe after xmas we can talk about how to start to move on. God, I miss him.......
on 12/4/2004, 9:03 pm
I am such a weak, needy, dependent person....i always turn to these boards only when I feel completely alone and misunderstood and helpless.
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