Posted by DogRose Well this turned out to be the one case in 50 that things went horribly wrong like a train wreck. When she nervously stated who she was she was met with this venomous response, After she recounted this exchange to me, to say that I was appalled is a gross understatement. I was absolutely floored. To Kathy’s credit she kept a brave face and said, “Oh well at least now I know where I stand.” She had to feel like the weight of an elephant was sitting on her chest! It had to be absolutely demoralizing as the kindly father figure she had elevated to hero status morphed into a hateful snarling phantom intent on crushing her already fragile psyche. I groped to try to understand this disappointing development. This sort of thing just never happened in 50 some reconnections I had facilitated. Some men were hesitant but did not fail to at least give their offspring a chance to talk. One man simply requested that his daughter write him a letter, send him a picture and give him a chance to digest the situation. It was just unimaginable for someone to hiss and lash out at an innocent person wanting to make contact with their father. So I sent a benign email out to a couple dozen people that live in the small town her relatives are located simply asking that if anyone knew the family name I was researching to contact me. I merely stated that I was building a family tree. One lady wrote back with one of Kathy’s adult sister’s email address. With this information Kathy was able to contact the sister who in turn put her in touch with another adult sister. What started out to be a joyous connection with her sisters, full of shiny promise of a future together, quickly turned into a fiasco when her father learned of their contact with her. Suddenly there was no contact from them at all. Kathy’s phone calls now went unanswered. The silence was deafening and heartbreaking. By this time I felt a sisterhood with Kathy and we spent time on the phone commiserating and speculating about the situation at hand. What was happening? Had they been ordered to cut off all communication? Why? If he didn’t want a relationship why did that have to mean that the sisters couldn’t? It was all so bewildering and alien. Why was Kathy not allowed to have contact with her family? What had she done except to be born in the wrong place at the wrong time? Why was she being treated as an outcast of society? In the time I had grown to know Kathy I found her to be an amicable, intelligent and compassionate person. She’s a good mother to her little daughter, she’s a loving companion to her spouse, she loves animals, she’s creative and artistic. She’s someone you would want for a good friend! Why anyone wants to ostracize and shun this lovable person is beyond the scope of my understanding and I’m in my 40’s. I have never seen anything like this and I’ve seen plenty. So finally it was learned that indeed the sisters had been ordered no contact. It’s just all so very painful but Kathy tries to internalize it and is at least pacified with the crumbs of happiness she experienced by talking to her sisters. Since they are now adults she hopes that in the future they will find it in their hearts to accept her. Maybe they can convince their parents that loving Kathy and their niece will not take away from the love they have for them. I truly hope so because it is unfair to condemn Kathy to a life of not knowing one whole side of her family! This is something everyone else takes for granted as a normal part of our lives. What about her aunts and uncles on her father’s side? Do they have a say in whether or not they get to know Kathy? Surely not everyone feels the same way as her father? What about her Grandparents? We know that sadly, her Grandfather passed away but what about the Grandmother? Does Kathy not have a right to know her? Would this grandmother not have any love for her either? I very much doubt that given a chance the grandmother would shun Kathy. I know how wonderful it is to have a Grandma and I feel sorry for Kathy that she will probably not get the opportunity to know her. Why? None of this makes any sense. We never meant to hurt anyone with this search. Kathy came into this vulnerable and wearing her heart on her sleeve. She only wanted to get to know her Father. What is so harmful about that? Had someone just given her a straight answer instead of ignoring letters all these years we would not have had to go to the lengths we did to find the answers that she is entitled to as a fellow human being. Hopt to hear from someone soon. Thank you for taking time to read My Story
on 9/30/2003, 12:59 pm, in reply to "Grifin Family in Pa"
66.191.83.137
But Kathy bravely plunged ahead. She just had to know if this stranger, whom in her mind all these years she had put on a pedestal, would accept her or not. I waited nervously for her to call me back. While waiting I pictured a happy conversation between the two of them. From experience I knew that the vast majority of these reconnections go well and that the seeker actually had nothing to fear after all. That they are normally welcomed with open arms by their own flesh and blood.
“Don’t ever call me again b###h or I’ll have you arrested.”
My bond with Kathy grew stronger after this and I was determined to help her gain access to what is rightfully hers and that is her heritage, since she had indisputable proof this was her father. I reasoned that even if he didn’t want anything to do with her that at least she had a right to know her ancestors. That she had a right to build a family tree for her little daughter. Who in their right mind could dispute this? Where is it written that it is illegal to research your family tree?
Again we meant absolutely no harm to anyone, just answers.
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