Posted by Llewelyn yr Penaig on March 23, 2004, 12:58 am

[Even in a fascist dictatorship, there is a political party. Only one political party mind. But nevertheless, the is a political structure, no matter how one sided it is. And when there’s a political party, there has to be an annual party meeting. That’s something that’s kind of written in stone, even though it isn’t officially necessary. It just so happens that this week, the week in which Llewelyn ap Dafydd, Leader (or “Yr Penaig”) of North Wales is facing Freddy Phoenix (in his first defence of the CAL World Title)is the week that this meeting traditionally happens in North Wales. You’re in for a treat.] [In the main Hall of Penrhyn Castle, a large number of men and women sit, a guard of honour surrounding them, propped up against the walls. Some are old, some are young. All are Welsh, and proud of it to an alarming degree. They are waiting patiently for their leader to make his entrance. Most of them love him dearly, and hang upon his every word when he speaks. Well, roughly 99.9% of them, actually. There is one person who doesn’t quite fit that description, but we’ll get to them shortly. Before we take a look at what goes on in the actual meeting, let’s go back stage for a second, and see who our main characters, Llewelyn yr Penaig and his recently reinstated lapdog, General Gareth Williams are doing at the moment. Whilst the audience are anxiously awaiting his presence in the main hall, Llewelyn is procrastinating. He hates having to do this every year.] Llewelyn: I hate having to do this every year! Why do I, supreme ruler of North Wales have to explain myself to my subjects! I have supreme power – they cannot challenge me! Williams: I know it is difficult, oh excellent one. However, these are major party contributors. If we let them think that they have a say in the running of the country, then they continue to be so. Surely that’s worth a brief meeting once a year! Llewelyn: That’s just it: it’s never brief. Drags on for hour after hour, every single year. We normally only end the bloody meeting at midnight, and then I have to entertain them with complimentary rinks for another two hours. It’s bloody tiresome, that’s what it is! Williams: Tiresome or not my leader, it is something which has to be done. Llewelyn: NOBODY tells me what must be done Williams! Not you, and certainly not any of those people out there! [A flash of despair flashes across Llewelyn’s face for a second, before he regains his composure.] Llewelyn: Speaking of which Do you think she’ll be there? [General Williams frowns. He has to try very hard not to have an outburst.] Williams: We are quite alright without Tracie Ferraro, oh mighty lord of the hills. There is no place for English people here Llewelyn: NOT HER! Imbecile! Who else would I be talking about right now? [Llewelyn’s eyes glaze over as he talks about one of the few people in the world whom he detests even more than the LtL roster. Someone whom he can do nothing about.] Llewelyn: The one person who ever DARED tried to run against me for the leadership of the Welsh Fascist Party, in the days before the Great Split. When I was the one who invented and created the party, ME! And she dared to try and take it away from me, for her own agendas. Nothing less. [Williams finally realises who Llewelyn means. This is a name which is usually banned from mentioning at Penrhyn Castle.] Williams: Aha! The well known Welsh nationalist and feminist, Ms Ffion Rhyddlan. Well, I fear that she may be present, oh leader of the greatness. She doesn’t tend to miss these meetings. Llewelyn: Just remind me for a minute – why exactly didn’t I put her on the ten most wanted criminals list when I came to power? Williams: Remember excellency, she does have a very powerful and influential family. To harm her in any way would be surely to begin a rivalry which we do not need at these most volatile of times. Llewelyn: Volatile? Things couldn’t be better! We have neutralised the British government through blackmail [Narrator: see the episode of Llewelyn yr Penaig’s life concerning graffiti and Buckingham Palace]. We have banished the foul vibrator from North Wales. And I am the CAL World Champion, supported by my SeX brothers and sisters. How could things be any better? [Williams is about to mention that Llewelyn is doing quite a good job of angering every free world country’s government, but he thinks better of it. Such an announcement would be close to suicide.] Williams: Of course, oh rightness. You are correct, as always. Llewelyn: I know. But anyway, may as well get on with this bloody meeting. No doubt that woman’ll find a problem with every single thing I say, as per usual. I should have banished her from the country two years ago [Well actually, despite Llewelyn’s instance that he would have done that, he never would have even come close to doing such a thing. Mainly due to the fact that subconsciously, Llewelyn finds Ffion Rhyddlan incredibly attractive. And we know how Llewelyn deals with attractive women. In short - he doesn’t. ] [Llewelyn marches on to a stage in front of all the party members, who stand up, applauding and cheering. With General Williams standing beside, and a multitude of officials sitting in a row about two metres behind him, Llewelyn raises his arm to the air, performing a salute for the crowd. They reciprocate. Llewelyn likes this sight – it gives him a power “fix”. However, as he peers down at the applauding crowd, he can see one person who is in fact still sitting down, arms firmly crossed, and looking very, very bored. It’s the kind of look that you might do when you’re not actually bored at all, but want to make people think that you’re not interested in a word they say, in order to basically say “you’re shit on my boots” without opening your mouth. And if this is the seated person’s intention, then Llewelyn must be faeces belonging to some very, very lowly animal. Llewelyn’s lips move slightly down at the corners, in a miniature frown, not wanting to make it obvious to the crowd, or indeed to the offending seated person that such a mere breach of standard practice causes him so many problems.] Llewelyn: She’s started already, I see. [Yes, this person who is completely refusing to show Llewelyn the one little courtesy of the “Heil yr Penaig” salute is indeed the person you probably expected it to be. Ffion Rhyddlan, noted Welsh feminist, who tried to usurp power from Llewelyn in order to bend the Welsh revolt into a slightly more feminist-orientated political upheaval. Llewelyn never forgave her for that, as you might imagine. She’s never forgiven Llewelyn either, on the basis that a) she quite fancied the idea of being fascist dictator of North Wales, and b) she’s quite convinced that the only reason he halted her progress in usurping the required power was because he wasn’t confident in her leadership abilities – her being a woman. She does have quite an inferiority complex.] Williams: Yes, she does appear to be quite uncooperative. Never mind my leader, this could be the year that she recognises your genuine talents as the leader of not only North Wales, but the Welsh Fascist Party! Llewelyn: And General Pete Cunningham just might choose not to get pissed and urinate all over the party members this year. But how likely is that? [Llewelyn is right, for once. This is a rivalry which isn’t likely to ever stop. And he’s even more right about General Pete.] Williams: You do have a point there, my leader, I must admit. But the sooner you start, the sooner it will all end. Llewelyn: I know exactly when it will end, Williams. WHEN I SAY SO. And if I have to endure her pointless moaning and complaining, then so be it. [Llewelyn makes an attempt to put on a smile. It is not a very good one. It looks more like he’s opening his mouth up to clean his teeth. He’s not used to smiling, you see. Once again, he raises his arms into the air, opening his palms wide.] Llewelyn: Good afternoon, Wales! [Standing ovation again. With the obvious exception of Ffion Rhyddlan of course, who is still seated, eyeing the cheering masses with a look of disdain. Llewelyn spots this, groans quietly, and carries on.] Llewelyn: This year has truly been a great one for North Wales! They said that we wouldn’t last a year. Well so far, we’ve lasted two! Let them answer that one! [Much clapping, and shouting of “he’s right”, etc.] Llewelyn: They said that the people of North Wales would never submit to a fascist government. Well, it looks to me as if not only have the people submitted to it, but greatly prefer it to the weak willed democracy that was thrust upon our country by the evil England! [More cheering. More scowling from Ffion.] Llewelyn: I have very nearly a 100% approval rating within North Wales. The people love me, and they love the government which I provide. And my friends, I owe that all to you. Every percentile of that is down to you – for helping and choosing me as your rightful leader those many years ago. And I hope I’m not being egotistical when I say – I think you made the right choice. [To be continued.]