Posted by Llewelyn yr Penaig on March 26, 2004, 9:38 pm

[Friday night in Britain. Many people go out on the town. Many people like to go to their local pub for a spot of karaoke, or something similar. Many people just like to stay at home and watch a sit-com. But there are those that like their entertainment to be something a little more well, bollocks, really. Now normally, the broadcasts of Llewelyn yr Penaig would cover anything so crap, or anything that doesn’t involve Wales. But as the latest IWA Shockwave is in England, Llewelyn yr Penaig has decided to fly to the said country a little early, and indulge in some of this slightly sub standard entertainment. This “Top of the Pops”.] [Top of the Pops is a stalwart British programme, on which musical artists play their songs, providing they are in the charts that week. It’s based heavily on popular culture, so why the Hell someone asked Llewelyn yr Penaig to be present is not actually known. But the fact remains that he has been asked to appear on the programme, along with (of course) General Williams, a man who is seldom seen more then ten feet away from his master. These days, Top of the Pops goes out live. Which is a disaster waiting to happen really, due to the crap staff they seem to hire. Tonight that decision is a little bit more risky. Who can tell what Llewelyn yr Penaig will actually do when on live television? Your guess is as good as mine. We shall simply have to wait and see.] [We join the action before the programme goes on air, as Llewelyn yr Penaig arrives in the studio, and meets the producer Bill. Bill is about 45, is balding, and hates his job. He imagined producing Steven Spielberg directed blockbusters at this stage in his career, rather than the bollocks which is Top of the Pops, featuring the bollocks that is British music in the year 2004.] Llewelyn: Well, I take it that you’re Bill? Bill: Yes. Hello. You’re Llewelyn yr Penaig, yes? Williams: Of course he is. Is not his visage known to all? You inferior English sub-human Llewelyn: Calm Williams, calm. This is no time for politics, but celebrating the greatness that is the youth of today, and their music. Bill: Yeah, if you want. Personally, I’d rather be producing music videos for proper music. But if you want to be accommodating, that’s fine by me. Anyway, you know what you’re here for, right? Llewelyn: Not exactly. I don’t know why you’d want a political figure to appear on a show like this Bill: I’m willing to do anything to raise the tone of this show, Llewelyn, to put it simply. Now, I reasoned that you’re probably dead set on taking over this country at some point, and in doing that, it would be quite good to have the youth of Britain on your side. So when asked to do a show like this, you’d naturally say “yes”. I am right, that its why you agreed to come on the show, yes? Williams: How dare you question the motives of such a wise and wonderful man! I should have you obliterated right now Llewelyn: Well actually, yes. You’re quite right about that Bill. However, it should be quite a change to have a break from the political world. So just tell me what you want to do. Bill Nothing too complicated. We just want to interview you – the none political side of your work – the professional wrestling in other words, what type of music you like, that sort of thing. And we also wondered if you’d like to perform on stage with on of the artists tonight Williams: We have banned such entertainment from the pristine land of North Wales. Such popular music should be obliterated. We suggest that you try the same Llewelyn: This coming from the man who I once found dancing to the latest Shakira album. Williams, I am quite capable of speaking for myself. When I want your opinion, I’ll ask for it – not that I need it that often. So please, QUIET! [Williams had thought that he at least might get respect in the land of England. He was wrong. Not good. Williams sulks, miserably.] Llewelyn: Yes, of course I’ll perform. I don’t know if you knew, but I was quite a dab hand at the double bass when I was younger! [Llewelyn brushes his hair back. Bill is unimpressed.] Bill: Great. I’m very pleased. However, we had more of a backing singing role in mind. Would you be happy with that? Llewelyn: I am a Welshman. We’re always happy. That would be quite ample. What will I be singing, and who with? Bill: We’ll introduce you to him later. I certainly doubt that you’ll have too much trouble with the lyrics, they’re pretty simple. Llewelyn: I have no trouble with anything. Any amount of lyrics, complicated or simple will be completely fine with me. Bill: Good. Well, I’ll take you to your dressing room then. Llewelyn: Good. Please, lead the way Bill. Have you ever thought about airing some Welsh folk music on this programme [Llewelyn follows Bill, trying to convince him of the concept. General Williams follows closely behind, until Bill leads them to the dressing room. It is fairly small, but comfortable, with a large mirror, as they tend to come. Llewelyn suddenly gets nervous. He remembers the last time he was in a dressing Room (See “The Facial Blemish Insecurity Caper).] Bill: You should be quite comfortable here. Your interview starts at around half past night, we’ll call you at about twenty past. See you then, and if you want anything call someone else. I’m busy. [Bill closes the door. Williams looks enraged, as Llewelyn takes a seat, carefully hanging up his signature black cape on a hook.] Williams: The insolence of the man! Why are we here, yr Penaig! We had an offer to be on Newsnight! With Jeremy Paxman, no less! Llewelyn: I thought Bill summed it up quite well. I’m not in England to argue with the English. I have to reason to argue with them. There are two reasons why I’m here, Williams. One – to defend my title. It WILL stay around my waist. And two – to start to nurture our captive audience. Williams: But would it not be more useful to try and convince England that our way is the right way, rather than to talk to them about popular trash music? Llewelyn: You can never convince anyone anything about politics Williams, I would have thought that you would have known that. What you can do is endear them to your personality. Through this programme, I shall captivate the English youth. I shall turn them against their superiors, by making them think that I am for them, rather than for Wales. When we have their support, taking England will be a matter of ease. Williams: A masterful plan, your grandness. There is just one small problem that I can foresee. Llewelyn: What problems could a man like me possibly have? You should cease to speak through your anus, Williams. Williams: Indeed so, yr Penaig. However Do you know anything about popular music? Current artists? Llewelyn: Of course I do! Williams: Aha, that is good news. Llewelyn: Those Rolling Stones are coming along strong, The Stranglers – what a band! And those AC/DC boys – they could really be famous one day [Williams’ face falls. This could be embarrassing. Very, very embarrassing.] Williams: *Ahem* quite. My leader, don’t take this the wrong way, but have you ever heard of a band named “The Darkness”? Llewelyn: No. No doubt some God forsaken independent band, trying to make a meagre living in back street dives Williams: Okay How about the band that composed your entrance music – Radiohead? Llewelyn: Yes, I thought it was nice that I gave those kids a chance. That was a good demo CD they did – OK Computer. They should really consider releasing that, if they can get a record deal. Williams: Right... Let’s go in a different direction There was a big story about a boy band breaking up the other day Llewelyn: Yes, I did hear about that, I’m sorry to say. Williams: Well, I wouldn’t say it’s that bad. West Life never did anything for me Llewelyn: Who the Hell are they? I was talking about The Beatles. Bloody Yoko Ono – SHE’LL BE THE DEATH OF JOHN, I’M TELLING YOU! [Williams stares at Llewelyn for a few moments, taking this all in. He still can’t quite believe it. Llewelyn’s musical awareness isn’t exactly top notch, it seems.] Williams: Hmmm Right. My leader, would you like me to do the interview instead? You’ve had a tough time of it recently Llewelyn: No man does anything for Llewelyn yr Penaig that he cannot do himself! I shall do this interview Williams, ME! It was offered to me – not you. It would be an insult to the people of Wales if I were to back down now. It must not happen! EVER! [To be continued]