Posted by Brad Andrews on June 24, 2004, 7:57 pm

“From main eventing a CAL PPV, in the ring against names like Astroth, Edwards, Heidi, Cheung, Killingbeck and Flare to curtain jerking in BWWa against Shinobi Kamikaze? Seriously, Brad, seriously WHAT THE #### IS THIS?!” We open in the smallish kitchen of Alt 2.0’s condo. A table against the wall, a fridge, stove, cabinets, etc linoleum floor. What you’d expect from a kitchen, really. Sitting at that table, Brad Andrews shook his head. Today, his hair was died brilliant neon green. “It means that you’re half a wrestler, Miah. Just like I am. Just like any tag team in the history of ever, that wasn’t 2 singles wrestlers trying to add a meaningless notch to their trophy collection is. I know it’s a little hard on you right now, but you’ve gotta get used to the idea sooner or later. No matter what you do, nobody is ever going to respect you.” Miah DeVan, the average-sized-for-a-person-very-small-for-a-wrestler 20 year old, looked at the titles on his lap. Three of them – the old CAL World Tag Titles, the NPW World Tag Titles, and the newly designed united CAL World Tag Titles. “I don’t get it though, Brad. Just because we wrestle in tag team doesn’t mean we do anything less than anyone else. It’s just a different part of the game.” In the background, Jonny Bravo slides into the room, poses, trips over his foot, overbalances and falls down. “Brad, I don’t get it. Everyone’s talking about how great Flare is, because he was born into the business and in a few months, he came so very far. But dude, I’ve been in the business for one year. I’ve won 4 different sets of titles – IWA Tag, BWWa Tag, CAL Tag and NPW tag. And I’m, so far as I know, the first World Champion in any sport excluding some of those Olympic girl gymnasts, to not be allowed to drink beer.” Brad laughs. When he won the IWA Tag Titles, Miah was part of The Foundation you remember that thing, right? The Foundation celebrated with a bottle of champagne, but being underage, he had to drink lemonade instead. “You know what? Brad? #### off.” Miah turned and walked out of the room as Brad, for the first time in basically ever, looked surprised. He stared after the retreating Miah. Miah headed out the front door and slammed it so hard the condo shook. “Well, that was unexpected.” Brad turns as Jonny Bravo picks himself up off the floor. He pulls a hunk of Colby cheese out of the fridge and plops down in the seat formerly occupied by Miah. “Brad type dude, I am not sure, that it is.” The refrigerator has a black surface that reflects well enough that Jonny begins entertaining himself by flexing and watching his reflection. Brad couldn’t care less, having neither a good physique or the patience/discipline to build one. “Jonny, this is seriously ####ed. Miah’s got some damn idea into his head the last couple cards, I don’t know where it came from, but he thinks he’s good. Or that he should be good, or something. And I’m trying to figure out, why?! Where’d it come from?” “Love hope dreams. Where’d they come from? Where’re they going to? These things I am going to destroy! DADADA DADADA DUM DUM DUM BADANANA DAIRNAIR NAIR NAIR, BA-DAIR, BA-DAIR, BA ” Jonny Bravo is singing the boss theme from the Final Fantasy 3/6j videogame. He’s also struck what he considers to look like a Greek God pose, standing up on the chair with his foot on the table and one arm behind his head while he holds the Colby cheese like a thunderbolt. Brad, in a bad mood already, loses it. He kicks the chair. Jonny Bravo is a house coming down. ***** “Been a long time. BBW. Heh ” Brad Andrews is facing the camera. His hair is died a brilliant neon yellow today, with the bangs frosted red and hanging down in his face. Attire wise, he wears black jeans and a SeX T-shirt, the magenta of the SeX lettering clashing horribly with his hair. “Got my start there, you know. Won a battle royale my first match. Forget who all I beat no one important won it. I was still Redbone back then. Heh. Because I thought I would try not selling out and being an Andrews but #### it, y’know? Selling out is for real men. People who are smart as opposed to people who are stupid. People who play this game to win as opposed to those who play it to feel so self righteous they could just jack off to their reflection.” He’s angry looking, as always. “So BBW. And I’m teaming with Taranis, and my Gemma ” If you don’t know everything that’s happened between BA and Gemma there’s been a lot. Including this incident where Gemma kicked Brad in the face so hard he got a tooth knocked out, and with his mouth bleeding, he painted a heart on his face in blood. So the story goes, it’s the only time Gemma’s been scared of anything in wrestling. “And I’m fighting my old enemy Kid Xtreme, that dumb Welshman that’s never been important, Gazz Maybury, and the completely irrelevant Set Malachai.” A grin spreads across Brad Andrews’ face. He hasn’t apparently brushed his teeth this morning, as they’re faintly yellow and rather gross looking. It all adds to the aura of him not being all there. “Kid Xtreme if it wasn’t for you and your big mouth, I would’ve retired 6 weeks into my wrestling career. You go run your mouth on whatever that damn FCW thing was called, Shooting From the Hip. Try to talk about me like you know me, and then I come back, and I ruin your shit even if I was entering to goddamned Nickelback back then. Don’t know what the hell I was thinking, but you didn’t like the Blast From the Past, did you? Running STO, damn I’m awesome. Six man tag match, I score winning pinfall over you, and we know which of us is the better wrestler.” Brad’s still grinning. “Except you deny it, and keep making excuses, when we’re about a year away from meeting each other again. And when we did, what was that all about? Oh yeah, Crusade 2. BWWa, you were there and I was in IWA at the time. Now it’s backwards. Funny, innit? Ah well. I think the important thing, is that I kicked your ass in a cage. Yield sign to the face, BA Special, damn, I won again. Kid X, I beat you when we step into the ring you know. I’m just damn better than you. Taranis brought me back into BBW because he knew I had your number. I did, and I still do and I can’t wait to brutalize the hell out of you come Shockwave.” He nods. “Then there’s that ####ass Gazz Maybury. Never had the guts to get involved with me, except for that Shockwave I beat him. The one where they didn’t use my strat, remember that? It’s an inside joke, people, Christ. But yeah, one match against Gazz and I beat him. Damn, I really am better than everyone, aren’t I? Gazz Maybury worst CAL Tag Champion ever. Gazz Maybury, held the FNL Title less long than I did. Gazz Maybury, never going to succeed because he’s just not good enough only gets his name out there by making an ass of himself. Gazz Maybury worthless sack of shit that I don’t really think I should be wasting my time on.” Brad spits over his shoulder, as if disgusted. “So then there’s Set Malachai. And what the #### can I say about this guy? He hasn’t wrestled in 2 years. He had a career ending injury, we all know that, and he’s been using it as an excuse to keep from getting involved in IWA. Well, unless you call his farce of an administration getting involved. Hand Punk Rawk Show free titles my ass some devil.” “Makes me sick, really, because in BBW, Set was really someone you could respect. I mean it Set, I used to respect you. Me, Brad Andrews saying I respect someone yeah? Try to kill Big Lew J by crushing his throat, that was pretty ####in badass. Then you’re in IWA, and you even start out OK because you’ve got the Regulators and then you #### it up when you become IWA Vice Prez.” “Whatever happened to make a deal with the devil and you get burnt? I don’t get it, I don’t, and it’s disappointing to me. But Set, man, you went soft. You’ve got nothing. You have nothing to fall back on, you’ve made a mockery out of any legacy you could have had, and when I beat you this match, they’re not going to have a single damn good thing to remember about you. You cost yourself everything, Set, and you cost yourself when you decided to become a dumbass.” Brad shakes his head. “As for my team? Taranis, you’re OK Gemma, you’re very special to me, and I will not let you down. The real World of Hurt is back together, even if it’s for one night and we’ll make it a night to be remembered. That we will ” And he smiles this twisted, yellow toothed smile. And we fade to black.