Posted by Gemma Lockhart on June 30, 2004, 2:44 pm

Gemma Lockhart lingered in the doorway and smiled weakly at one of the other guests, as she sipped on her bottle – she didn’t much like the taste of beer, but was staying off hard liquor. She was aware that her stomach felt unsettled and her body felt anxious and restless. She ran the back of her free hand across her face. It was different here. She was a different person here. Unlike back in America, she had a lot of friends in the UK. She had lived all over Scotland and England before settling in Ireland to work for the BBW. She was currently stopping in Nottingham, one of her favourite English cities, with some old friends, so she was only a short train ride from the show, in Manchester But it felt closer than it was. Gemma: Mike, where’s Scruffy? Gemma yelled over the loud punk rock music emanating from of the living room, the party, to a former room-mate. Mike Johns stood up, wearing faded ripped jeans, a white T-shirt and steel toed black boots. His floppy light brown hair fell across his strong jawed face. Mike strained to see through his alcohol induced haze, staggered, and pointed out into the garden. Mike: He went out there – I think he’s getting some fresh air or something, dude My psycho girlfriend won’t let him smoke in the house. Gemma: Well, you know what they say, that shit’s bad for you. Gemma smiled at Mike, genuinely, and grabbed a couple of extra beers, before casually walking away from the party down to the bottom of a massive garden. Her long dark hair blew fiercely around her. An icy wind had picked up, chilling her right through, but she was surprised it wasn’t raining. She spotted Scruffy and sat down next to him on the grass, smoothing down her jeans, and played with her long dark hair, pushing it out of her face. She silently offered Scruffy a beer and he took one, opening it with his teeth. His hair is dark brown, styled and straight, in a typical emo-boy way. His faded blue eyes appeared almost greyish in colour in the shadowy dark. Scruffy’s cigarette tip glowed orange in the darkness as he took one last drag and stubbed it out. Scruffy scrutinised her, studying the side profile of her face. Scruffy: So, are you going to tell me what’s up? You've had that intense look on your face ever since you got back. ‘Fess up, kid. She threw her head back and stared up at the sky, deeply inhaling the chilled air. Gemma: Life is a joke. Scruffy smiled. Gemma crossed her legs and turned her body to face him, sitting on the grass. He was so trustworthy and reliable – she wished she could take him back to California with her. Scruffy: And you’ve just realised that now? Gemma glanced at Scruffy, and raised her eyebrows. Gemma: I think this whole match has really knocked me for six. I’m kind of freaking out here. This is a big thing for me, I suppose. It’s a lot pressure. Neo is so He’s so profound, I guess. He considers himself an ‘enlightener’. I’ve not even come face-to-face with this man yet, and, in some way, I already feel liberated. I’ve only just crawled out of this crazy black hole I’ve been living in lately but I realise that it’s not just for him, or this match, or this opportunity, but I have to look deeper inside for me. Scruffy: What did you find? You can’t love what you don’t know. And you can’t find yourself if you’re lost. Gemma’s eyes widened, shimmered slightly. Gemma: I hadn’t realised I was lost. Scruffy took a prolonged drink and frowned. Scruffy: I hate what you do as a profession, you know that, right? Gemma: Yeah, I know you hate it – you just don’t understand it. Okay, I’m not angel But I can, somewhat, validate this path, even if it sometimes seems malicious or unjustifiable. Sometimes it’s really cool; it’s like a crazy wild release of emotion. To save myself I can’t give up anymore. Scruffy: You’re so different now, Gemma. Everything about you has changed. Gemma: My life is totally covered in rust. It sucks, quite frankly. My dreams have an “out of order” sign hanging from them. I’m always fading, always falling down. If it’s not one crisis it’s something worse. I can’t keep falling down. Scruffy: Try falling up. I don’t know why you can’t just let it all go? Gemma tilted her head and looked at Scruffy, thoughtfully.