Posted by "The Wildcard" Chance Runnels on July 1, 2004, 2:51 pm, in reply to "To London...and beyond"

[They all walk through the front door and are met with a cascade of colours and class. There are crystal chandeliers, red carpets, polished surfaces, flowers, sculptures and fifteen foot tall mirrors where Chance has already been drawn to admiring him self.] Amy: He’s so vein! John: Trust me no matter how long you spend with him, you never quite get over it I know! Chance: Hey If you looked this good John you’d look at yourself and drool too. Look out Danny here I come. [Chance starts shadow boxing with his reflection while bursting into song.] Chance: Hey good lookin’. What’cha got cookin’. Hey [John picks up a large expensive vase and smashes it over Chance’s head.] Chance: My bad. Amy: Men! John: This may seem like a stupid question, but why has the queen invited you round for dinner? Chance: We’ll for a number of reasons really. Last time I was here in the UK, I got to meet her at a charity function, It was to encourage people to donate money for blind kids, and we got talking and she’s not a bad old gal, in fact turns out she’s an avid wrestling fan. John: Bollocks. Chance: No really. John: Really? Chance: Really, Really. John: Wow, really! Amy: Will you two stop saying really, your starting to sound like my Indian Doctor, Dr Khan and he’s a pervert. Chance: Want me to beat him? Amy: Nah, already done it. Chance: Fair enough. Want me to beat him a second time? John: I did that. [Chance and Amy look at John quite concerned.] Chance: You did? John: Yeah, I went to see him with stomach cramps and well to cut a long story short he’s a pervert. Chance: Cool. Amy: Did he hurt you? John: No, not really. He was actually quite gentle. Chance: Please people I’m going to be eating soon. [The group amble through a set of tall oak door into a huge dinning room.] John: I can’t believe we’re actually meeting the Queen! Chance: I’ve already met her. John: I can’t believe I’m meeting the queen! Amy: What about me, I haven’t met her! John: (through gritted teeth) I can’t believe that Amy and I are meeting the Queen! Happy? Amy: Yup. Chance: Yeah I’m good. [Sitting at the head of the table is Queen Elizabeth. She smiles and raises from her seated position to greet her guests. John is shaking like a Mexican pole dancer while Amy is speechless. Chance is suddenly quite serious. Chance takes a bow and Amy and John curtsey.] Chance: Where did John get that skirt form? Amy: Beats me, It’s not one of mine I hope! John: I’m actually meeting the Queen! Amy: Men. [The Queen nods her head in acknowledgement and walks up to Chance.] Queen: Hello Chance, how are you? Chance: I’m fine Liz, you? Queen: Spiffing, couldn’t be better. John: Liz? Amy: Men. John: I can’t believe I’m meeting the Queen! [Amy punches John in the side of the head.] Chance: I would like to introduce, firstly my girlfriend Amy Edwards. Amy: Your majesty. Queen: How do you do. Chance: Secondly, my good friend and personal trainer/manager John Jones. John? [John is sprawled on the floor rubbing his head. His legs are apart and you can see straight up his skirt. Err no details we’re about to eat! John staggers to his feet glaring at Amy who is whistling innocently.] John: I’m actually meeting the Queen [John’s eyes and nose starts to twitch and his eyes well up. The queen opens her mouth to speak.] Chance: John, NO DON’T! Amy: This isn’t going to be pretty. John: Achooooooooooooooooooo! [John sneezed in the Queens face. Snot and phlegm is slowly oozing its way down the Queens face. Even the crown on her hair is discoloured and running.] Queen: How do you do. Amy: Can he do that? Chance: I don’t think so. John: I sneezed in the Queen’s face I actually sneezed in the Queen’s face. Chance: Look’s like the Tower of London we be re-opened after all! [As the camera starts to fade to black the Queen Jumps at John and starts brawling with him. Despite the Queen being quite aged and at a slight (ever so slight) disadvantage, she seems to be beating holes out of John with her sceptre. Chance finds it all quite amusing as he tries to fend of six of seven guards.] Amy: Men. [The moral of this story, when visiting someone important don't let stupid firends of yours sneeze in their faces! Good night]