Posted by Gazz on July 8, 2004, 8:23 am

(It’s hard being a Badass. A true Badass is hard to find. EFO has 5. FIVE. That’s not one, not two, not forty seven either, but five. A Badass needs badass tastes in Music. As we can see. Gazz is back in Wrexham, Wales. Luckily Wrexham is only 40 miles from Manchester, which is bloody convenient. It means he can stay at his mams. He can, but he doesn’t. Instead he has taken out a Room at the two star hotel, the Wynnstay in Ruabon, right by the Bridge End. Two Star hotels tend to be total and utter wank, and this place is no exception, and it charges £60 a night for a room. The Cunts. You can’t get a drink there after 10:30pm because they are shitboxes, but luckily tonight is “All you can drink for a tenner” at the Tivoli rock club. So he’s gone there.) Gazz: A true badash drinksh Shtella whensh avaiaiaiailaby. (Cue obligatory fit piece of arse, Gazz almost instantly sobers, wets his hair back and goes over to her) Gazz: Hello my fine friend. My names Gareth, your name is? Bird: Nicearse McRomper Gazz: Great, now we know each other, fancy a shag. (It’s morning) Gazz: FRED! FRED! FRED! (Fred runs into the room) Fred: what’s the matter? Gazz: Sod all, I just had a fine piece of arse last night. Fred: You shouldn’t do this before big matches. Gazz: It’s exercise for my legs, and pelvic regions. And it keeps me on my toes. I’ve learned so many painful submission moves that way. Fred: What would the rest of the EFO say? Gazz: I told Karl, he thinks it’s badass, and I told him you touched his sisters arse, he’s going to twat you silly. Fred: But I didn’t! Gazz: But you did in my mind Fred. In my mind. And my mind is so powerful it’s going to cause you physical pain. Lots of it. Ever been castrated? Fred: No. Gazz: You can tell me what it’s like. And I won’t have it done to me. Let’s compare and contrast. You get kicked in the bollocks for talking to women. Correct? Fred: *Sheepish* Yes Gazz: I get hot pork prod rodding action. See, that’s what you get for being Charming, good looking, muscular, and a great liar. Fred: Why do you need to lie? Gazz: I don’t. But in my youth I used to tell them I was a fireman, as soon as they heard that they were weak at the knees and soggy at the crotch. Fred: Christ, you are the king of Charm. Gazz: Obviously. I have Sex. Regularly. You masturbate 17 times a day. Don’t think I haven’t heard your 10 seconds of glory. You are 808 pounds, and if you do it again in my toilet, I’ll rip your face off. Fred: It was a large turd! Gazz: No Fred, YOU are a large turd. Not a sexy finely bearded badass like me, with the finest hair in the Global area. One person did have better hair. Fred: Who? Gazz: None other than my opponent this week. Kai Scott. His Mullet was the reason the sun came up in the morning at one point, but he just couldn’t cut it. Literally, he couldn’t. There was an injunction upon his head. So he just put it back into a ponytail. Fred: Why do all Wrestlers have long hair? Gazz: None of your business, twatbag. Go and have sex with the Shampoo bottle *Chuckle* Fred: That was never proven. Gazz: *deadly serious* What?! Fred: Shit . Erm .. Anyway. Kai Scott, can you defeat him. Gazz: Nice change of Subject, shithead. Yeah, I can, this will be a great week for EFO. The Prodigies will crush the dominators, and by the time I’m finished Mr Scott will wear a Training Bra and call himself Kara. He’s such an arse, I tell you. And there’ll be no funny stuff, I have “Kickass” Karl Pace in my corner. And dude, he’s angry, mainly because I’ve been telling lies about you to him, and he’s going to stomp you down, but I may persuade him to focus all his efforts on the Andrews Foundation. Fred: How Much? Gazz: Fifty Quid! (Fred hands over fifty pounds) Gazz: HAHAHAHA! I was lying. I didn’t say ANYTHING, and now you’ve given me £50. Fred: Can I have it back? Gazz: #### off! Not happening, dicksplash. Penis Features. Wetpants! Fred: That was an accident. Gazz: You still pissed yourself. Fred: You know I get excited. Gazz: It was the last episode of Friends. I ought to kick your arse just for watching it. Actually I think I will! Fred: Thirty Pounds? Gazz: Done. (Fred hands over £30) Gazz: Our partnership is profitable for the both of us. I get rich, and you don’t get your arse kicked! I’m protecting you from violence! Fred: Violence from you! Gazz: Don’t be cheeky or the protection money shall turn into menaces money. And you do not want that, believe me. Fred: Sorry. Gazz: So you should be. But it’s ok, because at Shockwave, live from Manchester, England, The Prodigy Brothers will continue their awesome run as Tag team champions, “Kickass” Karl Pace will do just that, and I will continue my Journey to the IWA heavyweight title. You aren’t a believer, trust me, as of this week, you will be. Kai? Get ready ####wit, G-Force is gaining steam, and this week, you are just another Roadbump to drive over. See you at the show.