Posted by Alternative 2.0 on July 11, 2004, 2:54 am, in reply to "Brad Andrews is NOT a supporting character, dammit"

[Scene opens.] [Brad Andrews is wearing desert color camo pants and a black muscle shirt. His hair, as previously mentioned, is died neon yellow.] Brad: So this week I get to fight the Red Axis. I’m looking forward to this one so very, very much. Do you wanna know why? [He’s smiling that angry unbalanced smile.] Brad: It’s because of you, Jack. It’s because you think you’re King Shit, and there’s oh so very many people out there who think you are, and by beating you, hey, do the fucking math. When you kill a king, it is bragging rights. It makes you the ruler. Though in this case, technically I’m the ruler. Even if I have a belt and not a crown, but who cares? [He thinks.] Brad: Actually, forget the whole royalty thing. Being a tag champ is more like being a Duke. I’m special, just not that special, and although I’m elite, I’m not unique. And it’s not like Jack Cross’s title was having any meaning anyway. I mean, take a look at this guy. For all the things he’s won, he sure is shitty. [Brad’s snickering right about now.] Brad: I mean, the man’s going to be remembered as the worst CAL World Champ ever. No successful defenses, and that unfortunate comment he made that I guess I won’t specify – mostly because everyone knows it – yeah, that makes a pretty bad champion. That and he didn’t even bother showing up for his only defense I mean, how sad is that? Jack Cross I don’t know how that guy manages to keep himself so busy and yet do so very little. [Now he’s laughing out loud.] Brad: And then we come to your CAL Tag Title reign, where you were carried by Loki. And I can say that straight up, because in a fit of neurological depression or something, you flat out said it! You were all, ‘and I got carried to my tag title by Loki so it means nothing!’. Good job, Josh. You’ve proven yourself absolutely valueless, and you’ve given Miah something else to be angsty about. Just so long as you don’t start making weblog entries about things, I’m OK with that, but I’m still laughing. [He is.] Brad: So many title reigns. So many crappy worthless federations. KWF Susquehanna Valley title. King World Force Title. NWCW something or other title. You’re everywhere doing everything, and you’re running in a spiral. Yeah, you kinda move forward sometimes – that’s why you won the IWA Heavyweight, even if all you did to win it was beat Brandon Pride – but you’re just spinning around aimlessly, and that’s why you’ve got the bad rep you have. [The laughter dies abruptly.] Brad: Jack Cross only wins by following the path of least resistance. [Now it comes back.] Brad: And I said that like it was a bad thing! Heh but you know, at least when I do it, it’s cool, and it’s because of me swinging yield signs to cheat. Not because of me joining feds at the right time and sticking my nose into everything that happens. [Pause for breath.] Brad: And now you’ve decided to do tag teams again, possibly mortified and rightly so over the thing with Loki. So you’ve got Slava Yakolinov on your side now. A big angry Russian who fights in hardcore matches, and who allegedly tries to injure people deliberately in every match. I’m going to incidentally point out that when Jack Cross was fighting Tracy Richter, and Richter went to Heidi, Jack Cross insulted Heidi for wrestling almost the exact same way Slava did. In Heidi’s case it’s slapping on some hold and trying to tear ligaments, and for Slava it’s just flailing his arms and legs randomly, but it’s the same concept. Now where was I? Oh yeah, Slava. Now lemme see here. [He looks around.] Brad: I’ll give you this, Slava, people don’t wanna wrestle you. But don’t think it’s because you’re big and scary. I’ll break it down real easy for you. [And he will.] Brad: People don’t want to wrestle you, Slava, because you are not worth the risk. You do try to hurt people, and that’s fine. I like the Undertow for that. But, and I’ll compare you to Heidi again – you fall flat, badly. See, there’s a reason to fight Heidi. If you beat her, it looks good on your record. If you even manage to take her to a draw or a messed up finish, it looks good. What does beating you mean, Slava? It means that you managed to beat a fighter who isn’t a wrestler. [He’s being pretty serious for once.] Brad: I’ll give you all the credit in the world for throwing a mean kick, and that kickass finisher with the really bad name of yours, Agriculture I think. But can you wrestle? Can you step inside the ring, plan out what you’re going to do, and then do it? No. Your brain works in black and white, in absolutes. You’re all ‘don’t give up’. You’re all ‘go for the throat’. You’re all for ‘weakling American swine’. So you miss a kick and end up getting caught in, I dunno, a Strapdown from Leona Lawless, and suddenly it’s not so easy to go for the throat, is it? [Serious. You know he means it because he didn’t make a wiseass remark about Leona.] Brad: That’s what it comes down to, Slava. You’re big, you’re not a wrestler, and you’re not very good. [Now he’s a little less serious.] Brad: And now, to my fans. [If you’d believe it, Brad’s such a totally despicable asshole that he’s gathering a cult following who thinks that Brad’s level of assholishness is ‘pretty cool’.] Brad: I’m not going to tell you what I’ve got planned for Red Axis. But just let me assure you – it will result in me winning the match. Me and Miah. Alternative 2.0 will retain. [From out of sight, Brad produces two things; his half of the CAL Tag Titles, and the Yield Sign of Doom. And making a production of it, he puts the title behind the sign.] Brad: And neither our spirits or titles will yield to the Red Axis. [Brad might’ve kept on talking. But we won’t know. Due to the unbearability of that pun, the Cameraman was taken violently ill, and the shot was cut abruptly.]