Posted by MarieM on 9/28/2006, 4:54 pm, in reply to "How Can This Be?" My heart goes out to Rena and all others who have experienced the opposite, and I pray that all of them find the unconditional love that we all deserve, whether that be from current mates "growing up" or with new mates. You sound a lot like my partner, and while we're all different, i can tell you what seems to work for us. first off, i highly recommend "Breast Cancer Husband" by Marc Silver, for both SO's and friends, this book has wonderful insights and information for the caregivers. we've both read it and learned a lot. His wife had bc and he includes feedback from a lot of bc patients and caregivers. ** honesty. I don't want to hear, "you're jsut as beautiful without your hair." I want to hear, "yeah, you looked better with hair, but I love you just as much without it.", or "sure, I'll miss your breast, but I won't love you any less, or be less attracted to you." He wants to hear from me - how i'm really feeling, and what i really need from him. But sometimes I can't tell him exactly what would make me feel better. I've never done this before, so I just don't know. My mate is wonderful, but sometimes, i want to tell him, "just let the dishes go for tonight and come sit with me" **understanding/flexibility - how i feel emotionally and physically changes in unpredictable patterns. i had hoped that chemo side effects would be predictable enough to plan around, but for me they are not. ***humor - laughter stimulates wonderful chemicals in our bodies. a large part of our relationship is making each other laugh. and even when i can't actually laugh, i always appreciate his attempts. ** take care of yourself, as caregiver. it's important for me to see my mate doing the things that will keep him healthy - hiking on the weekend, etc. i know that he can't help me, if he isn't at his best. *** I know this is rambling - blame it on chemo brain. Another great book for me is "How to prevent and treat cancer with natural medicine" by Michael Murray (and others). This is NOT alternative but complimentary things - suppliments and nutritional advice that enhances traditional medical treatment. - Don't take any advice without your own research, and there are a few things in this book that I disagree with, but it's the best source of advice on suppliments that I've found so far. Staying healthy through chemo has been a challenge for me, jsut eating is a challenge most days, so help in remembering what i need to eat and what suppliments i should be taking is great. my thoughts are with you.
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No, Rick, you're posts aren't creepy, they're touching. And I'm happy for your mate, that she has someone to love and support her through this.
** spending time just being with me is important, even if i don't feel like talking for being rubbed (chemo does things to your nerve endings!) just having the company is important.
**some folks don't want to hear, 'you can beat this' but not me - i want everyone around me to fully believe in my ability to heal from this. the doctors don't talk much about attitude and positive thinking, but there are many studies, and many med professionals concur with this - people who believe that they can heal do. Don't get me wrong, it great to hear "honey, i'll be here for you no matter what happens," but it's more important for me to hear, "you can do this." because somtimes i lose faith. We both believe in this power, and it is showing in my rapid progress. I had to have chemo first because of the extent of my cancer, and they're talking about moving up the surgery by several months, which is good news because it's responding more rapidly than they thought it would.
It's been said that this sort of experience will bring out the flaws in your relationship, and that is true, but it also brings out the strengths in your relationship. We've grown tremendously as a couple in the last couple of months, and while I'd never chose this as a path for myself or anyone else, we're grateful for what we're learning.
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