Posted by Jeff on 10/8/2008, 8:55 pm, in reply to "Support"
68.84.208.129
No, there is no magic wand. All you can do is be there for her. Listen to her when she needs to vent. Hold her when she needs to cry. Comfort her when she's afraid. Just be there when she needs you to be there. And leave her alone when she needs to be left alone.
No matter how hard we try, we will never fully understand what it's like to be in her shoes, because we haven't been there. We don't have breasts, so we can't begin to imagine what it's like for her to lose them. We don't have cancer, so we can't begin to imagine the fear and anxiety and uncertainty that's in her mind. We've never had to suffer the side effects of chemo and then go back for the next round and do it all over again. We haven't been there, so all we can do is listen to her and comfort her and be there for her. It's different for us, watching from the outside. As you said, we like to fix things, and when we can't it leaves us feeling very frustrated and helpless. Don't let that get in your way. Accept the fact that you cannot fix it. Take a deep breath, go for a walk, do something physical to relieve your own stress and anxiety. Then be there for her. Put her needs first, no matter what.
There may be times when you don't recognize her. The stress and anxiety and discomfort she's feeling can come out in unusual ways, and sometimes it may seem like her anger is directed at you. Whatever you do, DO NOT fight back. She's angry at her situation, not at you, even though it may seem that way sometimes. Let her vent. Tell her you understand (even if you don't, but don't be condescending). Be there for her. Be her hero. She'll love you for that.
I'm sorry she has to go through this. I'm sorry you have to go through this with her. But you've taken an important step by coming here and asking for advice. In the years I've been here, I've read many stories of relationships that were strengthened by going through this together; and I've also read many stories of relationships that were torn apart by it. If you put her needs first, and be the man she needs you to be, you can be among the lucky ones.
All the best to you and your fiancee.
Jeff
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