Posted by Jacky on 1/2/2009, 2:31 pm, in reply to "scared daughter"
68.144.96.242
Hi Deanna
It's harder for the caregivers Deanna, especially at this tough tough time. You have your own feelings to feel as well as trying to figure out your mom's.
The hardest lesson of all, when it comes to parents, is to let them have the right to be wrong. If she can't or even won't take your advice, all you can do is reassure yourself that she is informed, and she has the right to make poor choices. She's still competent mentally and she's a grown up and it's not written anywhere that she must do the right thing. That's the hardest thing of all to know.
One thing that always happens in our efforts to comfort those we ought to be able to fix (dammit) is we do try to feed them. She's not hungry, probably because of pain, or the meds for pain themselves, and she won't eat. I know it makes a person crazy, but you have to let it go.
The other problem that makes it so hard for caregivers is the timing of the various journeys - she's on her own path and you are on yours at the same time as needing to be where she is too. Typically the patient is far ahead of the caregiver, and that hurts. A lot.
You are fully entitled to handle this any way you see fit. If your dad seems to be enjoying giving back for all those years, then believe it. It's easiest, and it's also pretty likely true. He seems to be managing pretty well - he calls you when he can't manage, and that's a good sign I think. You are entitled to some respite from this anxiety. Make sure you are taking care of yourself, sleep wise, doctor visit wise and all that, and go see a funny movie or something now and again to escape and rejuvenate.
You are a good person, and you are doing the right stuff. This is a terrible time and it's hard to be the strong one, I know, but if you take care of yourself you'll get through all this. Venting here, or counselling, or girlfriends - these can all help a lot.
(((((( Deanna )))))))
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