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Thank you soo much Jacky. I've been posting on the recurrence board for the past 2 years, and while I have learned a lot I realize after just this first post here, that this is where I need to be. I never thought of myself as the caregiver cuz mom is still capable of taking care of herself. I'm a nurse, and I thought that someday I'd take on that role, when mom is too sick to do her activities of daily living and I will then nurse her so that she can stay in her home. That is what she wants, to stay in her home I mean. My mom took care of my Nana (her mom) when she was dying of lung cancer (primary), and I know my mom is so grateful for that experience and time she had with my Nana. On the one hand mom says she wouldn't want to burden me, but I also know that she would want to stay at home and be in her own environment if she can. I realize now though that I've been the caregiver for the past 6 years but in a different capacity to the caring of her physical needs, instead I have been trying to stay ahead of this disease by learning more about it, going to every appointment with mom, asking daily about her symptoms, analyzing everything, documenting everything. Its been very difficult and I finally had a breakdown last October when I heard that the cancer had progressed to her bone. I felt all the feelings of helplessness, loss, fear and hopelessness. I felt like I was dying, I went into a deep depression which I am just beginning to recover from myself. During these past 3 months I've had to learn ways to let go, stop trying to control something I have no control over and put my faith in God. Its been a journey, and one that, as you said, I'm on with her and along side of her, and on my own. I find myself saying "if it were me I'd do or try.....", that is where my frustration began to come from when she wouldn't follow up or through with my some of my suggestions. I felt that I had learned more, knew more and was fighting desperately to stay ahead of this damn disease, but she wouldn't listen. I realize now that it is her life she is living, and the choices she makes are hers to make. I know my mom wants to live, more than anything, but I can't help but feel that she feels like she is losing the battle, I see it in her spirit. Everything we talk about, everything we seem to do or think revolves around the symptoms, the cancer, the prognosis, the meds. Its draining at times. I hope next week is better, the week she is done the antibiotics and doesn't have to take chemo for 7 days. 3 weeks ago when she was off the chemo for 7days she felt great, I pray that she can still find the times where she feels good, so that we can talk about things other than the cancer. Is that reasonable?, please tell me cancer doesn't have to be all there is left in this time we have together. I sometimes feel that mom identifies herself "as cancer", instead of someone who has cancer. Her whole being leans toward it, even in conversations with strangers this disease and all its problems is discussed, is that typical? I would never say anything to her about this, I would never want to upset her, but it hurts me to know how much this cancer has changed her vision of herself.