Posted by Jack on 3/21/2009, 2:17 pm
66.134.220.226
I'm new here and not sure how to do this, but I need to reach out for some help because I'm afraid that I'm losing her.
My wife had a successful double mastectomy 3 years ago (very early stage DCIS one breast and close family history both sides). We got her through a successful recovery and reconstruction and seemed very close for a time.
In the last year or two, as we went from a 3 kids at home to a 1 kid at home family, she filled her time with a new activity (rowing, which I am glad for) and increased her working to 4 days from 3. She has also been spending much more time with her rowing club friends and her work friends than with me. I had hoped that we would use the new-found time to do more things together and get closer as the kids were moving to college and then on their own.
I am really hurt by her pushing me away, in all parts of our marriage. Basically, it is at the point where we are sharing space in our house and living separate lives. Last week, I brought up the sharing space issue (not the first time in the last year or two) and she acknowledged that she has pushed me away for years, we are living parallel lives and she has been filling her time with other people and is not sure what she is ready or willing to do to save our marriage at this point. She says she loves me, but does not feel passionately about me any more. She says I don't make her laugh anymore.
The word "crushed" only begins to explain how I feel; the other ones are "angry" and "resentful." I have to add that before the cancer and surgery, she pushed me away several times over several years, but we always seemed to get it back together. For about the last 12-14 years of our 23 year marriage, she has periodically rejected my attempts at cuddling, closeness and intimacy. This has hurt and frustrated me to the point that I quickly lose patience with her and the kids and get mad.
We're both good people who are unhappy. I can't help but think that her surviving her cancer is part of the reason for her wanting to enjoy life more, even at the expense of our marriage.
Two days ago, I held her hand, looked her in the eyes and told her how much I love her and that I am willing to do anything to make our marriage work again. She said she loved me, but did not know how she felt about putting the pieces back together. I am having a very hard time with this and desperately trying to figure out what to do.
Thanks for listening.
Jack
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