Posted by Madonna on 3/24/2009, 11:07 am, in reply to "Getting pushed out of her life 3 years after mastectomy"
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Yes, I can feel your pain as well...((((Jack)))) I don't know if I can help or not, but I went through this too in my marriage...I was also the one being "pushed".
My husband and I had had problems for awhile before I was diagnosed with bc ten years ago, but after the surgery and treatments were over, he pulled away more and more...pushing me out of his life...literally working two jobs to avoid me and the cancer "fallout". He threatened to move out a few times and I, of course, begged him to stay, get counseling, think of the kids etc etc. I didn't want a divorce.
Nothing seemed to work so I decided to try a different approach....I agreed with everything he said and left the emotions out of it. (A word of caution here...I'm not advocating my approach as the right thing for you, Jack, just letting you know what worked for me, k?) Instead of trying to hold onto him no matter what, I made the decision to be happy no matter what. I'll explain...
Like you I laid my cards on the table with my spouse, and he said basically what your wife did...he wasn't sure, wasn't that into me (Yeah, he really said that 
)etc etc. After some time...weeks actually...I knew I had to go on with my life with or without him. I owed it to myself and my children to be happy. Soooo....as I said, I agreed with everything he said..."You're absolutely right" or "Whatever you think is best" or "I understand, you go right ahead"...you get the picture. I didn't cry, plead or make any suggestions about what we should do to save our marriage. AND, I began some new hobbies, exercised and went out more...making ME happy. I didn't stick around waiting for the other shoe to drop...I figured it would drop regardless of where I was or what I was doing. I stepped back and let my husband call the shots. Now, that said, it's scary to let go and let whatever happens happen...VERY, VERY scary...but I figured I had no other choice. I was at the end of my rope and hanging on by a fingernail.
Don't know if you call this reverse psychology or what, but for some reason, my husband stopped pushing me away and gradually (by fractions of an inch)began to talk to me. This didn't happen overnight...rather over months and months...but he did begin to realize what he had and what he could lose. He also saw that I was happy...I think that may have truly puzzled him. Thing is, I really WAS happy, 'cause I knew I'd be ok. Friends and family would stick by me.
Jack, one point I wish to make is that you have to be responsible for your own happiness. Step back from the situation and look at it with an objective eye if you can (it's hard to do). Breast cancer changes everyone and everything. I'm certainly not the same person I was pre-bc...nor is anyone else in my family.
Certainly your wife wants to enjoy life more, but pushing you away and avoiding intimacy has only led to anger and resentment. BTW...it isn't up to you to make her laugh...it's up to her to find laughter.
Yes, counseling would help tremendously, but if your wife refuses, go alone...for yourself, Jack. At least you'll know you did everything possible for both of you, and you can rest easy with a clear conscience.
I've been married 25 years, and while my husband and I are making progress, it's slow...but it's progress. It kind of all boiled down to his willingness to be vulnerable and show his emotions...tough for him. For me I had to be willing to risk my marriage to find my marriage...if that makes sense. In the end I found something else...my dignity.
God bless....
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