Posted by david watts on 5/3/2009, 6:56 pm
24.174.63.156
My girlfriend was diagnosed with breast cancer and cancer in a lymph node over a week ago. Of course we're all shocked and she's understandably scared to death and depressed etc. I'm just numb and confused about what to do. I have some questions that I need advice on; I hope I don't come off as selfish or mean - if I do, please forgive me. I've been through other illnesses with her in the past. I've lost jobs each time. Her family basically abandoned her; they've been through other major illnesses with her and knew what they were in for; she's demanding, unappreciative and verbally abusive. During the first illness everyone except her daughter just faded away after the first week. I was angry and resentful about being thrown into the situation and the assumption by everyone else - particularly my girlfriend - that it was my sole responsibility to take care of her. I felt bullied by her but I took over, paid the bills as well as I could considering I was unemployed. I and was a very bad caregiver - I'd never been around anyone who was seriously ill nor had I ever been ill myself.
The same situation repeated itself about 6 months later, different illness, same job loss etc. It happened again about 18 months ago but I didn't get fired or lose my job, which required me to be out of town during the week. She was in the hospital for a week and I couldn't visit her; she's been resentful of that since then. Her family basically let her lay in the hospital alone for a week; her daughter was too busy to take a little time off or interrupt her tumultuous love life, her son is a selfish, spoiled 28 year old who has never gotten along with his mother.
This time around I received a job offer the same day she got the news she found out the lump in her breast was probably malignant. I've been out of work since December and I'm broke. Her boss has been generous and says he will pay her while she is unable to work, but we all know how that goes. My new job is in another city; a 200 mile daily commute. I know there is going to be a lot of contention about who takes care of her when and I will eventually be pressured to leave my job to take care of her as her family conveniently disappears into the sunset. I will not allow myself to be bullied this time, by her or her family. It only causes more resentment.
Am I being unreasonably selfish in this situation?
I've been told by others I need to think about myself. I've been told by my girlfriend I'm a chickenshit and a pussy and she wouldn't be surprised if I left.......she's verbally abusive and I know it will only get worse. I usually just leave when things start to spiral out of control but I won't be able to this time around because she is ill.
I'll keep the job as long as I am able to but I know that within a few weeks I'll just be exhausted and she'll be angry at me for not being there all of the time. I feel like I REALLY need to make it clear to the rest of her family, all of whom are a lot better off financially than I am, that they are going to have to pitch in.....or what?
I want to be able to live with myself and I want her to have the best care possible but I can't do it all alone.
Any thoughts?
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