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Mike - there's probably literally nothing you could say that would make any survivor feel bad or guilty about their own situation. We really just want to help. First, I would suggest that you call your local cancer society to see if they have any caregiver support group. Some do and they are great and some are not. Some don't have a group. I think (maybe you would agree) that lots of men have a hard time sharing their feelings. They think they have to suck it all up and not vent or be angry or cry. You probably want to do all of that, and I would say you should! It's so hard to keep it all inside.
My honey has a very, very close friend and they have been able to talk all through my treatment about what I am going through. To make matters worse, he is a chiropractor - meaning they typically disagree with any chemicals or drugs to treat much of anything. So we had some issues to deal with in the beginning. He did end up supporting me through it all, but I felt like when I felt really bad I had to keep it from him.
Not sure what to say about the disability. I am able to work part time but couldn't when I was doing chemo. Would working part time be better than disability? I don't know if that's an option or not. You sure don't want her to give up, but maybe a full day of working is too much for her.
I like your last paragraph. That's tough, I know. You are right in that sometimes we become very needy, but still want to be in charge. We like things the way they were but are unable to do them sometimes.
I encouraged my honey to get away when he could, even for a day or two. Don't know if that's possible for you or not, but it sure helped him.
Come back and let us know how you are doing.
Praying for you both, Mike!!!!