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Hi, Doug. You are NOT a jerk. You are dealing with a beast. The medical profession is completely unable to deal with us on a personal level.
OK. Think about it for a second. Try to walk in their shoes. Now - I really DO NOT LIKE and have NEVER liked the medical profession. I go the totally opposite way when I am sick or hurt - Naturopaths, Chiropractors, Accupuncture, whatever. Anything but the medical profession who (in my opinion) can be drug pushers. Many of them (NOT ALL) either wanted me to take a pill or cut me open without sufficient reason to do so. OOOOOOOO I'll probably get into trouble for this.
Anyway, any doc or nurse dealing with cancer patients has to somehow put all the personal parts in the back of their minds. If they can't, they have to bring it home with them, night after night, after night, after night. Children with cancer, young moms and dads with cancer - some of it terminal. I'm really not trying to make excuses for this, but you have to forget about your EX and concentrate on your real wife. I really never had anyone touch me without reason during my cancer treatment. If you truly feel like they are, RUN, DON'T WALK away and find a new doctor.
Unfortunately this part of the website is not visited very often. You may want to go to the 'chat' in the evening. You may find others who can listen.
I was also Stage IIIa. I'm 60 and was able to have a lumpectomy, so no recon, but did chemo and radiation. Lots of touching during rads.....I just learned to deal with it and am still friends today with one of the young techs (a 30 something guy). They were all extremely professional.
HUGS and PRAYERS as you both deal with this.