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Humphhh. Your wife is clearly a saint. (this one I mean, apparently not so much the last one). If that was said in front of me (dressed or undressed, in the clinic, or for that matter, in the strip joint) I'd be reporting him to all and sundry that I could think of to give him grief. Right after I clocked him. Holy cow.
You know what? I think doug, that you might be better off if you weren't in the room for those events. I know you want to be supportive, and your wife undoubtedly wants you there as her other ears, but I just wonder if a frank discussion with her about how you are just struggling with your memories everytime you experience this, if maybe you couldn't agree to have a close friend or sister of hers to go with you both, and you could step out for the physical part of the exam.
Just something to consider. It might lower your blood pressure and make you less jumpy (I know imagination can outdo reality, but it might not affect you so strongly) and that might improve your relationship.
There's nothing jerky or horrible about feeling what you actually do feel. It would be kind of jerky for you to act it out on your wife but you aren't, so own your feelings, and see if you can't find a way. Recon is a long hard haul, you've a ways to go yet before this is over.