Posted by Shmoodog on 3/22/2002, 3:47 pm Walking back from the Van Gogh Museum, I was in a pretty good mood. I actually saw the sun for a second (Amsterdam weather is aBYSmal), I had a reproduction of skeletons smoking a cigarette (which was cool because it looked like a poster for the Dead) by Van Gogh in a colorful little cardboard triangular tube, and we had a whole day and night to enjoy the, uh, ambience. Did I mention my hostel was smack dab in the middle of the red light district? So, there I am, wearing my touristy hat (like I'm on a safari) my toursity fleece (Hi, I'm an American, rape me!) my touristy back pack (I'm a stupid student, hate me!), and of course my touristy blue cardboard tube from the museum. Walking down a busy cobblestone street, in the middle of the day, a block from my hostel, with 2 of my friends 20 feet ahead of me, my mind was on the next joint, er, tourist attraction we'd do. Sideline: for those of you who have not visited Amsterdam, it is FULL of drug addicts and homeless people from all over the world who are the MOST AGGRESSIVE BEGGARS you have ever seen. Move over NYC, these people really mean business. My first night there, before we learned of the steadfastness of said beggars, we were accosted by a man in a dark alley. He held his lip, which was horribly and disgustingly torn, right in front of our faces and said, moving closer, "Look at lip, I need money to go hospital, please help me", horrified, and wishing he would stop talking, we threw money at him just to make him go away. AFter that happened a few more times in the next half hour, we wised up. So when all of a sudden I was grabbed at the front of my shirt by some guy, I just thought it was an over zealous beggar. But when he turned to me and said, in a weird accent, "Listen to me...I have a gun, in my bag...and three friends, on that corner over there" (he nodded with his head in that direction) I suddenly realized that he wanted to mug me. As soon as I understood what he said, something snapped behind my eyes. In a flash I realized this was not a nice man, and that he wanted to hurt me for my hard earned drug money, er, souveneir money. So I snapped; I flipped the F*** out. He was holding me with both hands, and looking at me with his bloodshot eyes in his scruff covered face. I suddenly and violently threw him off of me, and started SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY FREAKING LUNGS (BTW, I have a loud and resonating voice) "Get the f**k away from me, go the f**k away right NOW! or I'm gonna call the police! (I thought for half a second, why threaten when I could easily call the police anyway?) So I started shouting "Police! Police!" and "Go the f**k away!" Now, the guy must have NOT been expecting me to blow up like that, 'cause he just sat on the ground where I pushed him and stared at me like I was a crazy person. Thats when I looked up and noticed my two friends who were ahead of me walking towards me. Later they told me they heard the word 'gun' and immediately turned around, saw this guy grabbing me, and started towards me. So the guy is on his back, on the cobblestones, in the middle of a street with people going back and forth (some even glanced at me but then just went on their bizness like this wasn't anything special), and now my two friends, standing over him in a very, VERY pissed off sort of way. I do NOT take kindly to people threatening me, hell, I have a problem with ANYONE telling me what to do, and this guy thinks I'm just going to hand over my money right quick? So the guy crawls to his feet, and my friend Roey, big, 6-foot, long haired, wouldn't hurt a fly but could kill a hippo by sitting on it, and my friend Randy, only slightly shorter, mexican, and with several tattoos, both give the guy a good firm shove away from us, at which point he stumbled back several feet, looked at me again while I opened my mouth to yell at him again, and he turned and fled down the street, melting into the crowd. Yes folks, this in fact did happen to me. My brother also has a story about how a guy tried to mug him in Amsterdam. Not a safe place...fun...but not safe. Finally, here are the rules we learned on how not to seem like a tourist. If you don't follow these rules, you WILL get accosted no matter what city you're in, especially if you're in Europe: 1. Never, ever, point Happy Friday all
As promised, a story from the depths of crime in lovely Holland:
2. Don't look at your map in the street
3. Don't stop and look around
4. Don't have a confused look on your face
5. Don't look like a tourist and walk alone
6. If someone approaches you who you don't know, DON'T get into a conversation with them, especially if they're giving off weird vibes
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