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Posted by Connie in PA
on November 4, 2009, 4:24 pm, in reply to "For Women ->"
--Previous Message--
: When you have to visit a public bathroom,
: you usually find a line of women, so you
: smile politely and take your place.
:
: Once it's your turn, you check
: for feet under the stall doors. Every stall
: is occupied..
:
: Finally, a door opens and you
: dash in, nearly knocking down the woman
: leaving the stall.
:
: You get in to find the door
: won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait
: has been so long you are about to wet your
: pants!
:
: The dispenser for the modern
: "seat covers" (invented by
: someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but
: empty.
:
: You would hang your purse on
: the door hook, if there was one, but there
: isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape
: it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in
: her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!),
: yank down your pants, and assume " The
: Stance."
:
: In this position your aging,
: toneless (God I should have gone to the
: gym!!!)thigh muscles begin to shake.
:
: You'd love to sit down, but you
: certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat
: or lay toilet paper on it, so you
: hold"The Stance"..
:
: To take your mind off your
: trembling thighs, you reach for what you
: discover to be the empty toilet paper
: dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your
: mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you
: had tried to clean the seat, you would have
: KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your
: thighs shake more.
:
: You remember the tiny tissue
: that you blew your nose on yesterday - the
: one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah,
: the purse around your neck, that now, you
: have to hold up trying not to strangle
: yourself at the same time).That will have to
: do. You crumple it in the puffiest way
: possible. It's still smaller than your
: thumbnail...
:
: Someone pushes your door open
: because the latch doesn't work.
:
: The door hits your purse,
: which is hanging around your neck in front
: of your chest, and you and your purse topple
: backward against the tank of the toilet.
:
: "Occupied!" you
: scream, as you reach for the door, dropping
: your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a
: puddle on the floor, lose your footing
: altogether, and slide down directly onto
: the TOILET SEAT.
: It is wet of course.
:
: You bolt up, knowing all too
: well that it's too late. Your bare bottom
: has made contact with every imaginable germ
: and life form on the uncovered seat because
: YOU never laid down toilet paper - not
: that there was any, even if you had taken
: time to try.
:
: You know that your mother
: would be utterly appalled if she knew,
: because, you're certain her bare bottom
: never touched a public toilet seat because,
: frankly,dear, "You just don't KNOW
: what kind of diseases you could get".
:
: By this time, the automatic
: sensor on the back of the toilet is so
: confused that it flushes, propelling a
: stream of water like a fire hose against the
: inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist
: of water that covers your butt and runs
: down your legs and into your shoes.
:
: The flush somehow sucks
: everything down with such force that you
: grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser
: for fear of being dragged in too
:
: At this point, you give up.
: You're soaked by the spewing water and the
: wet toilet seat..
:
: You're e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d.
:
: You try to wipe with a gum
: wrapper you found in your pocket and then
: slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
:
:
: You can't figure out how to
: operate the faucets with the automatic
: sensors, .....so you wipe your hands with
: spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the
: line of women still waiting.
:
: You are no longer able to smile
: politely to them.
:
: A kind soul at the very end of
: the line points out a piece of toilet paper
: trailing from your shoe.(Where was that when
: you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from
: your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and
: tell her warmly, "Here, you just
: might need this".
:
: As you exit, you spot your
: hubby, who has long since entered, used, and
: left the men's restroom.
:
: Annoyed, he asks, "What
: took you so long, and why is your purse
: hanging around your neck?"
: ......................
:
: This is dedicated to women everywhere who
: deal with a public restrooms (rest???
: you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally
: explains to the men what really does take
: us so long. It also answers their other
: commonly asked questions about why women go
: to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other
: gal can hold the door, hang onto your
: purse, and hand you Kleenex under the door!
:
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