Posted by Rachel on 10/6/2009, 1:52 am
24.176.29.204
I’m 39 and have smoked for 25+ years. I think I have a death wish.
Let me explain. I loved smoking from the first time I tried it (at least once I figured out how to inhale). The head rush was incredible. I loved the funny feeling in my lungs. Typical “new smoker” stuff in retrospect.
But I always knew it was unhealthy. Still, I almost feel like I “experimented” with my body … as I increased my consumption little by little, I pretended to the outside world that I “was going to quit pretty soon” and knew it was unhealthy and that eventually I’d “see the light” and quit.
But secretly I didn’t want to. I knew the risks, but I was obviously addicted (for one thing) but also still liked the feel of it. Even though it took more cigarettes to get a buzz, even though I didn’t feel the smoke in my lungs quite as much after a while – It made me want to smoke to see if I could re-create that original feeling.
As you can imagine, I’ve developed notorious signs of long-time smoking -- -a little more coughing, smoking more per day, taking a little bit longer inhales, trying to justify my smoking somehow (or pretending I “really am trying to quit even though I haven’t “tried” in probably 15 years) … I still feel relatively “good” but I feel like I’m just rolling dice. It scares me but also intrigues me. I know I should probably not do it, but I almost feel like I’m “destined” to keep smoking. Weird thoughts started to creep in (that I kept private) – will I get cancer? Am I going to be a statistic? Isn’t that part of the deal — enjoying it but eventually causing harm?
I started to feel uncomfortable and strange about it – didn’t confess these things to anyone – so I searched online, found my way here, among other places. I’ve read posts here for a while but not posted until now.
In some ways I was both comforted and surprised that there are others who seem to think of these things in a positive way (or at least non-negative).
Maybe I don’t need any encouragement.
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