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Posted by Eric I'm sure you have speculated that he may have found someone new. And that maybe he is more concerned about the new relationship than about his relationships with his family and you. But you can't know that for sure. Many other things could be behind his quick change as well. A subtle or emerging case of Bipolar disorder could lead to the exact same type of change in how he feels. Given your situation, I can see why you would ask "how do I get him back?" But the real fundamental question is: "What in the hell is going on with him?" Something is not right here with how he is treating you AND his family. So my advice would be to first check with his family (if you know them well enough to comfortably do that) and say (or maybe write) something like... "I know your first obligation is toward protecting your son. But I think you can see why I would be very confused by the situation... so if there is anything you could let me know without compromising his privacy... I would really appreciate it." If they really are having problems or concerns with him also... they may share what they know in the hopes of finding out what you know. Stay as neutral or "reasonable" sounding as you can manage in your communications with them. If you still have no information to go on... then try sending SHORT and NONEMOTIONAL notes to him every month or so. Just giving very brief updates on what's happening with people you mutually know etc... after all he's in New Zealand... how else is going to find out about that kind of thing? Stay away from phrases or questions like "just checking in," "how are things," "are you doing OK," "I miss you," "remember when we..." "I'm concerned about you." etc. etc. etc. Just write a quick update... almost like a news account of what's going on. The fact that your bothering to send him notes at all, after the way he broke up with you, speaks volumes on its own. Anything you actually write that is emotionally oriented may make him think that you are "pressuring him" to get him back with you or it may make him feel more guilty (because you're missing him, not moving on, etc). Which is obviously not helpful. So the note thing is the only way I can think of that he may feel safe enough to eventually respond and give you some accurate information on what is actually going on. It also may be the only thing you can do to have a chance of getting him back. He will never come back to you based on how much you care about him (remember... he already knew how much you cared before). He will only come back based on how much he cares about you. And if guilt is the main thing he is feeling when he interacts with you, that will mask any underlying affection that he still feels toward you.
on 4/2/2006, 1:19 pm, in reply to "How do i get him back?"
Wow... that's tough. You (and no one else) can really tell what to do here because he seems to be giving you no information on what the problem is. The shouting followed by "silence" may stem from the guilt he possibly feels for breaking off the relationship. Men especially, don't handle guilt well... and he may seem to be blaming you... although down deep he knows better. I know because I did that same kind of thing (just without the shouting) to my now ex-wife. And believe me... I of all people knew better.
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