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Posted by Ash on 4/18/2005, 7:31 pm I met my well ex bf i guess you could say... when I was 15 years old.... and in the tenth grade... he is two years older than I and he was one grade ahead of me... he was the guy that every girl wanted... and he happend to be in my science class.... at first it was just little flirting games.... and he was telling me how he had this girlfriend and they were always on and off again.... but at this time they were broken up... and he had asked me to hang out with him.... ( little did I know being so nieve and young that he really just wanted to mess around) I had a modeling gig that day so he picked me up after i had gotten home.... and brought me to his mothers were we pretty much did everything but have sex... it was weird... i was never like that... but it just happend... after that we started dating... and everything was just great.... a month later i ended up giving my virginity to him and from then on i was head over heals in love.... then i was finding out left and right how we was going behind my back and partying and just doing a lot of bad things... we started fighting left and right .... then i had found out that he had cheated on me and had sex 2 times with this younger girl from my school... i was huniliated... hurt and crushed... but i still stayed....he cried and cried telling me how much he loves me and i cant leave him, and lying about what happend... but i still stayed.... as time progressed through all this... he was use excuses about how bad his life was growing up and how hard things were for him... i always couldnt help but feel bad... i felt like i always had to help him and do nice things for him to make up for it...time went on and things got better by the day... until i started hearing more things about him partying and staying in hotels with girls and at his friends gf's house with girls.... this is all while i was at home... doing nothing... because i wasnt allowed to... and i didnt want to do things behind his back... i threatened to leave him again... but the same process happend...he would cry and say he would kill himself and i would stay... stupidly.... dont get me wrong... through these bad times... weve had some really awesome times also.....after our 2 year mark went by... things were good... and then they got shaky again.... he was really mean to me... if we would fight it would always be my fault... he would always verbally abuse me and i was really getting sick of it... .. i think my breaking point was the weekend of my 18th bday.... we were at a party the night befor where he had been so rude to me... whenever we are around people he treats me so bad and is very rude and ignores me ... esp. when he is drinking... the next day to make up for this... he bought me a braclet gave me money to buy something and a beautiful card.... I am so still in love but i am mad... i am still hurt... and i dont know if i can go on... so i started going online again ... something i hadnt been doing in 2 years cause he didnt want me to.... and then i started talking to old friends... well one asked me to do something... so i went out to eat... just as friends... i thought maybe just maybe it would help me to see how i would be with someone else... to see if i really loved tony... well it turned into a disaster.... i was so scared the whole time... and alls i thought about was him... and how i love him.... i never told him about this because he would flip... he has a VERY bad temper.... well.... eventually he found out somehow and he flipped out really bad... he beat me up really bad... and was calling me all these names.... he put me through hell.... i know what i did was wrong... but i didnt think it was as bad as other things he has done. He gave me such a hard time but i begged him to stay.... i lied about alot of stuff cause i was so scared of him leaving... just stupid things.... and then i told him the truth and he flipped... well he ended up moving in with me cause he needed somewhere to stay... and things got really good again.... but then we would fight over something dumb and he would bring up what i did.... i put him first befor anyone... and he was so mean to me... we redid our basement into an apartment for us... it was really cute....and we lived together for 5 months... we have a dog too and it was like a little family... well things started to get bad again.... i had no trust for him... and he had no trust for me.. he would take off for a few days at a time and i wouldnt know where or what he was doing.... ... i got really sick and had to have surgery... and he cried so hard... saying how much he loved and i almost wasnt able to have babys and that devistated him... things got alittle better after that... then he would leave and we would fight.... i met him at his moms to talk and he said something really offensive so i smacked him... and we started fighting, really bad... he threw me across the room i had a black eye....and bruises from head to toe...he punched me in the stomache and i got really sick from it i lost my breath and puked like 3 times... then when it was over... he said he wouldnt tell anyone what i did...and he finally let me leave and he called back later and i went there again adn he apologized and we made up... he turned into a really HEAVY drinker the past year and its really bad... well every time he would " take off" he would use my car because he didnt have one yet... and then he finally got one he was gone all the time... finally i had to have surgery again.... this time my dad yelled at him really bad for treating me to poorly and he left when i woke up.... and i didnt see him for 3 days... i had to track him down... i couldnt understand for someone who loved me so much to just leave... but he did ... and he said he was moving out.... because he needed to learn to treat me better... i agreed but i didnt understand why he would move out ... and then he said he wanted a break... but alls he has been doing is partying with old friends... drinking... and then calling me when he wants sex... but i cant help but not go.... i want to be with him so bad.. i know we have alot to work on but i am hurting really bad... i miss him so much.... one of the times when i went to see him.... his wallet was on the counter and there was a condom hanging out of it... the whole time we were together he NEVER did that... never... and it just crushed me... he had no excuse for it.... just someone must have put it there... i just dont know how if he loved me so much he could do this.... i miss him alot and alls i think of is him... i am going to counseling and its helping me alot... but everything just seems so bad still... noone understands... they all say... you are too young and why do you put up with it?but i dont know what to say cause i just feel like i have to! to make matters worse... i got in a accident today... and totaled my car... my only car... but i am ok... he rushed up there... with his new "best friend" the same guy he used to party with and cheat on me when he was with him... and then he took me home and i was a wreck and he doesnt even seem to care... he hasnt even called to see if i am ok ... he doesnt even care... this is hurting me so bad... sometimes i feel strong but then i think of something and it just hurts so bad...he still hasnt moved his stuff out.... i told him to tell me he doesnt love me or want me in his life and that will help me as much as i would hate it but he wont... he acts sometimes like he cares and loves me... and other times that he doesnt love me at all! there is alot more to the story but i cant fit it all in... i need some advice please!!!!
This is my first time ever coming on here... I am 18 years old and just getting out of a 3 year relationship... I was looking around on the internet trying to find something for support.... this is really hard for me.... I feel so alone right now.... and my heart truley feels broken...
noone really understands me... and it seems like everything is falling apart...
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