A very special episode
Posted by Crocodile Bar and Cabanas on November 4, 2019, 11:32 pm
As a young lad, I always wondered what it would be like to be featured in the E! True Hollywood Story GQ Playboy Interview. The breathless questions. Drama. Intrigue. Sure, the magazine industry continues to die and “Playboy” doesn’t even have the photos anymore. GQ? Does it help my girlfriend works in the fashion industry?
E! True Hollywood Story GQ Playboy: Mateo, let’s cut to the chase, why have your lawyers kept you away from this 1998 Yahoo Prodigy internet site?
Mateo: I will check with my lawyers and get back to you.
ETHSGQP: Does this have something to do with the new Oxxo?
Mateo: I must confess, I’ve been up to ears in lawsuits. Several customers of Crocodile Bar and Cabanas have documentation originating from my computer stating, “The artistic seaside community of La Manzanilla continues to charm tourists from Canada, Mexico and the United States. We're big enough to have three doctors, schools, small stores and plenty of wonderful restaurants, but quaint enough that we still don't have an Oxxo.”
ETHSGQP: Who has better lawyers? Your clients or Oxxo?
Mateo: Both! One client took photos of construction on our site which supposedly threatens the safety of anyone walking within 37 miles, which I think translates into 35643 kilometers, of the bar. I remain convinced some of the construction “workers” on site serve as lawyer-spies for the parent corporation of Oxxo trying to get our secret margarita recipe.
ETHSGQP: Speaking of margaritas, tell us when we can finally enjoy one.
Mateo: Thursday, Nov. 7 at 5 p.m.
ETHSGQP: What about that breakfast buffet?
Mateo: Sunday, Nov. 17 at 10 a.m.
ETHSGQP: Back to the Oxxo. With their 39-degree-below-freezing temperatures in both Farenheit and Celsius, do you really think Crocodile Bar and Cabanas can compete with that environment?
Mateo: Our margaritas taste better and we have a better view of the bay.
ETHSGQP: But what if we want a hot dog at 3 a.m.?
Mateo: You should have ordered fish tacos at noon and chili at 6:30 p.m.
ETHSGQP: Fish tacos? Don’t tell me they’re the best in the universe.
Mateo: At least their the best fish tacos made with dorado. Come by at 5 p.m. on Tuesday, Nov. 12 and find out for yourself. I will be in Aguascalientes that day, but I might even ask Dulce or Marcos to give away a free t-shirt or some cold beer.
ETHSGQP: Aguascalientes? You once wrote in this space you were “packing your bags and moving to Canada.”
Mateo: People actually believe what they read after punching a 28 digits to write something on here?
ETHSGQP: Do you realize you could make simple posts listing basic information like food specials and music lineups and someone would actually read the entire post?
Mateo: You mean to tell me someone has read this far? Hey, speaking of music, our lawyers have signed off on a lineup of at least five nights a week of music and at least four mornings per week with the breakfast buffet. Chava will be back breaking hearts on Sunday mornings and Tuesday evenings. Juanito will play almost daily with three mornings and three evenings dedicated to jazz, reggae, music in Spanish and more.
ETHSGQP: Mateo, we know you love the USA and proudly claim a founding father of the United States as an ancestor. With your spicy Louisiana background, what gives with all this talk about Canada?
Mateo: As Thomas Jefferson once said, the water served at Crocodile Bar and Cabanas remains superior to water of Flint, Michigan.
ETHSGQP: Didn’t he also say you plan to raise the price of your bottled water?
Mateo: Yes. We the people, in order to form a more perfect union, insure a glass of water remains free. The mineral water in returnable bottles stays the same. If you really want to drink water from a plastic bottle, which we will continue to recycle along with everything else which can be recycled here, the price will go up for Mateo having to carry that plastic bottle across the bridge. We also have stainless steel straws on site and you may purchase them if you wish.
ETHSGQP: What about margaritas?
Mateo: Give me margaritas for 65 pesos, or give me death. Oh, wait, Jefferson didn’t say that, but you still get your margarita for 65 pesos and your breakfast buffet for 90 pesos.
ETHSGQP: But the Canadians don’t get all of these Americanized political sayings, Mateo.
Mateo: Yes, but they will still get the best breakfast buffet on the beach between Cihuatlan and Careyes for 90 pesos. We refuse to bow down to the corporate overlords representing Oxxo.
ETHSGQP: With all of this Oxxo obsession, did you ever consider you solely remain responsible for the construction of the La Manzanilla Oxxo and downfall of Western Civilization?
ETHSGQP: It’s quite simple. You sold T-shirts not only with your establishment’s name and logo, but also the words “La Manzanilla” and after these shirts spread all over Mexico, USA and friendly Canada, the Oxxo overlords realized La Manzanilla had reached critical mass. How do you wish to respond?
Mateo: We just received a new shipment of T-shirts and tank tops. Same price as last year: 300 pesos for the white shirts with the color logo and 120 pesos for shirts in green, pink, beige, orange and blue with the lack logo. Nothing says “Merry Christmas” in French Canadien, or any kind of Canadian, quite like a tank-top which presumably one may wear for the 19 days of the year the temperature goes above zero in a landmass north of Minnesota.
ETHSGQP: Were you showing off your high-falutin level of Spanish with the use of “que”?
Mateo: Si! Laura from Cafe du Calcetin and I will teach Spanish together this year under the palapa. We will honor the method I used to learn Spanish. The teachers will encourage the students to speak in Spanish. Donations of 100 pesos per one-hour class or 400 pesos for the whole week of classes will be accepted. Lunes a viernes, 3 a 4.
Mateo: The LSU Tigers have the No. 1-ranked American football college team in the United States. They achieved this status by requiring fans to make a donation to the athletic booster club in order for the right to then purchase season tickets. Think of it as a love gift.
ETHSGQP: Wow! Other than your soul, what else will you sell this year?
Mateo: Salad bar! That will start Nov. 25. Also 90 pesos, but unlike the breakfast buffet, it will have identical hours daily. 1 p.m.-3 p.m.
ETHSGQP: Is it true we saw a photo of you clean-shaven and wearing a sport coat and long pants on the internet?
Mateo: My lawyers have told me not to comment on pending litigation against Photoshop.
ETHSGQP: We don’t want to turn this into one of those Fox & Friends/State TV interviews allowing a certain point of view to drag on for three hours. If you were Jerry Springer, could you please share some final thoughts?
Mateo: Thanks for reading this far! Please keep in mind these dates below and please come by early and often! You can even ask us in person about the final touches of the construction.
Nov. 5-6: Feel free to enjoy the sunset for free here with your own alcohol.
Nov. 7: 5 p.m., soft opening.
Nov. 7-Nov. 16: Open daily at 5 p.m. Full drink menu and some food items available.
Nov. 12: Fish taco night.
Nov. 15: Wine special. Margaritas too.
Nov. 17: Daily service begins. Sunday breakfast buffet, live music with Chava.
Nov. 18: Spanish classes begin with Laura and Mateo. Monday-Friday, 3-4 p.m.
Nov. 25: Salad bar opens daily: 1-3 p.m.
Thanks for your sense of humor and all of your support! Go Saints! Geaux Tigers! Go to Crocodile Bar and Cabanas!