Posted by Stephen Lorque Cooper on September 22, 2015, 5:01 pm
2015 ROAD TRIP REPORT I really wasn't going to do this anymore. This being my annual end of the softball season Road Trip Report. But at the request of several current, former, and never before teammates, I succumbed to the pressure. So here goes. This year's theme? Team chemistry. How many times have you heard a coach or announcers talk about the importance of team chemistry? Getting the right mix of talent and personalities together focused on a single goal blah blah blah.... Well this year I put together a list of things I think each of my teammates should add into the mix of our team chemistry equation during the offseason so that next year we can have the ultimate winning softball solution. You know, like E=Mc2, but not. Ok, I'm excited! Are you excited? I'm excited! SPOILER ALERT: If you are mentioned on this list and you get your feelings hurt easily, please stop reading NOW! You've been warned. No crying from this point forward. Now, whom shall I start with? Let's see. Oh, here's a good one.... RYAN CZYZ, mix in a game without a dropped fly ball. You make a lot of great catches then inexplicably allow a routine ball to glance off your glove. If USSSA had point spreads you'd be brought in as a suspect for conspiracy charges. And CZYZ, please quit coaching bases. You are a fast individual, full of energy, who no doubt sees himself gleefully prancing around the diamond in the nude with a protein shake in one hand and a copy of Men's Health in the other, laughing loudly at a barrage of errant throws that are unable to throw you out. But we aren't all near as fast as you. So please, STOP YELLING AT ME TO TAKE SECOND BASE WITH NO OUTS, OUR LEAD-OFF HITTER COMING UP AND KYLE FREAKING PEARSON ON DECK!!!!!!! Thank you. TANK, mix in a new phrase. "Roadhouse" just causes question marks to appear over the heads of softball players who have far more important things to worry about. Like how late they can sleep and still make it to BP. If their jersey is clean enough to wear. And if their opponent is swinging a better bat. Besides, we ate as a team at Texas Roadhouse once. While in Columbus. In March. The significance of this phrase escapes us all. And if you're referring to that gawd awful Patrick Swayze movie, personally I'm not a fan. Besides, that movie came out about 3 years before KYLE PEARSON was even born. Speaking of KP....no, I'll come back to him later. Back to you TANK and your never ending game of "Rock-Scissors-Paper" with RON NISSAN. I mean, how old are we? Make no mistake about it, I am all in on some immature, bodily functions, boob gawking guy behavior, but I got bored with this game in like the 1st grade. I mean, who's winning? What's the score? Does anyone ever win? I can't count the times we've been at the end of a tense game and I hear you two clowns clap four times then start cackling like a couple of hyenas. How about this? Next season you two mix in a real rock, a real pair of scissors and a tree to represent the paper. Then perhaps your stupid little game will garner some interests. JASON WILKINS, mix in a strike. I looked up during one game and the entire infield plus your wife KRISTA had dozed off. Except for MESSER, who's allergic to sleep. And WILK, dude, please quit yelling at us after we finish in second place, in front of the internet cameras no less. I heard KYLE PEARSON'S mom saw the whole thing and almost called the truancy office because her baby boy was supposed to be in third period English class instead of "playing that stupid little game with that silly yellow ball." JOHN HOWARD, mix in a stress relieving technique so that WILK doesn't have to put you in Time-Out for an entire month next season. Wether its one of those handheld squeezable putty's, or a full blown (excuse the pun) visit to one of those Asian massage parlors on Hwy. 192 in Kissimmee. I mean, just last week JOHN HOPKINS was telling us all about how "clean towels" "dazzling fingers" and what a "pleasant host of teenaged girls they had there on staff." Heh-heh. I knew you'd be reading this JENNA HOPKINS. Gotcha! JOHN WILLIAMS, mix in a shirt. Any shirt. As long as it covers your breast. I know I have been away from home a lot this summer, but I swear I have seen your nipples way more than my own wife's. But I must take timeout to thank you for expanding what I thought was a pretty extensive personal vocabulary. This season I have learned that the word "Buked" means to burp liquid into your mouth, although I swear I've never heard you use that word in that tense. And "DaBombson" which I was very proud of myself for breaking down and figuring out that it meant "The bomb son" like, "You tha bomb, son!" Then last week I met your girl friend, Jennifer DaBombson. That's her real name. Man, I was way off! I also learned that "stepping on caps" (is it caps or cats?) Well, whatever it is, I still have no idea what it means. And one time I literally developed an ice cream headache on a flight home trying to figure it out. Speaking of new words and phrases, ZACH MESSER needs to mix some of those in. "Go hard" is awesome! Especially the first 13 million times it gets yelled in your ear. I must admit I've caught myself shouting it at times. But not near as well as MESS does it. Then about the month of May it got a wee-bit tiresome. But "hit a creature" never caught on with me. I'm not sure what that means. Perhaps if MATT VERN ever hits a creature, it will run away, and step on some caps, or cats, or whatever. Speaking of my road dog VERN, can you please mix in a sleep apparatus to help eliminate your snoring? It's very stressful trying to hurry up and fall asleep before you so that I don't lie there awake wishing I had a clothes pen or a chip-clip to close your nostrils with. And please VERNIE, mix in another impression of another member of the Compound Athletics family. Your impressions of ANDY SHILTZ, MESS, and JOHN WILLIAMS are classic! I nominate KRISTA as your next act VERN. I can see you now, all dolled-up in a black wig and a pair off spandex. On the opposite end of that spectrum lies the hilariously not funny, BRAD LUNDA. Brad, mix in a funny line, saying, statement, joke, anecdote, story, visual, anything. Just be amusing once! I mean, even an insurance salesman or a funeral director stumbles upon a funny phrase at some point. I don't think I have ever met a guy who after making a statement causes more wrinkled foreheads than you do. And Brad, my nicknames are as follows: "Coop" not "Scoop". "Cool Hand Lorque" not "Cool Hands Luke" that's a movie. And it's "BOD" not "BLD" which is a series of softball complexes scattered across the country. ROSS HUEBNER, mix in a pair of Dr. Scholl's foot insoles. But first, please remember to remove the hot coals from your shoes during softball games. It will make it so much easier for you to run the bases. I don't know what religion it is that has you devoted to tap dancing on hot coals, and running after fly balls as if you are chasing butterflies with a fish net, but I have a feeling that our pure, clean, sweet Jesus has nothing to do with it. Oh, and ROSS, I am sad to break the news to you, but I heard you were who was meant to receive the B All-World Team Award, but your twin LYF NIMMO accidentally walked away with the booty. Whelp, you shoulda gotten closer to Jeeeesus now shouldn't ya? BEN DUNN, mix in a GPS that works. That hiatus you took VERN and I on before batting practice at A-World reminded me of the movie Ground Hog Day. We made 4 u-turns and went through the same toll gate like 7 times. Then you had the audacity to blame it on us because we wanted to stop by Chic-Fil-A for a sandwich. This is exactly the same argument my wife makes when she forgets to make her exit. Or forgets her cell phone. Or forgets the kids' lunch. Or forgets the kids. My point is, only wives can make ridiculous points and still win an argument, and you don't get that luxury because we are building team chemistry here! JUSTIN STUART, please mix in a new cell phone at least every two decades. The look on that Outback waitresses' face when she asked, "Is that a flip phone?" Was priceless. It was the exact same tone I would expect from someone who asks, "Oh my gawd, was that a UFO?" Or "Was that Big Foot?" Or "Did you just fart?" LYF NIMMO, please just mix in a tattoo that reads, "ASP" and get it over with already. I think there is room on your right calf. Or the inside of your left hand. Or on your forehead. I think. Oh, and thanks so much for filling us in on the fact that your parents were hippies and that's how you got the name "Lyf". Duh. As if we could not figure THAT one out. "Hi, my name is Peace Cooper. Let me introduce you to my good friends Herbal Incense Williams, and World Be Free Grimmett, we're all Klan members." JOHN SULLIVAN mix in a batting practice session. I mean, I have never seen someone work so hard to be late for BP in order to do what is generally very little work. I mean, call me crazy, but there are not a lot of guys who hit at the bottom of the order and still consider batting practice to be a complete waste of time. But I could be wrong. And all your blushing aside, I bet we can find one person in this country that does not like the song "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey. You may not be able to find one outside of your local roller rink, but I am quite sure we can find one somewhere. I hope. COACH GENTRY mix in some team-time. I mean, all that sleeping in late and missing BP has led to us just now finding out that you were a high school state champion flute player back in good Ole Miss? Wow! I wanna see that yearbook photo asap! But you'd rather scoot around Kissimmee in your awesome convertible Corvette (it's a rental) than hang with us common softball folk. COACH FREDDIE, I cannot pronounce your last name nor will I ever try again. Especially after hearing that hotel concierge confuse your name the way most E-players confuse the infield fly rule. But I digress. Freddie, please mix in a meal that does not consist of Indian food (dot, not feather). I cringe at the thought of what all that cham-cham and beef vindaloo are doing to your intestines. And I further hate the thought of our team trying to play softball with rumbling bellies from too much coriander chutney. That stuff burns! KEITH ANDERSON, mix in a....nah, too easy. Heh-heh. Way too easy. Way, way, waaaaaay too easy! Ok why not. Keith, mix in some self-praise every now and then. You really don't give yourself enough credit for allowing us to play with you for a third of a season. I mean, I really enjoyed watching you go from cream filling-white to full blown savage tan in the span of one month. In Milwaukee. Beach honeymoon or not, share the trick. Please Keith, mix in your skin toning secrets. Housewives and WWA wrestlers across the country want to know. J-ROCK mix in a salad. I know, I know, I know, this is when you tell me that "you have feelings". Ok, I'll start referring to you as "Narrow-Challenged" how's that? Besides, we could all stand to lose a few pounds during the off season. Speaking of, it's about that time for me. It has been a great pleasure getting to know each and every one of you during these past nine months. It really did fly by didn't it? Just please keep in mind, if I don't pick on you....you're really missing out! Here's hoping you guys still want me to board the plane to Orlando. Much love, -STEPHEN LORQUE COOPER COMPOUND ATHLETICS #10