I'm here (before reading any other posts, even) after months away because I need to get past this.
"This" is that my knee surgery was set for Nov. 19, but when I went in for my pre-op on Nov. 13, my surgeon told me that I was FIVE pounds over the limit for my insurance company to be willing to pay for the knee replacement. (The 218.2 put my bmi over the limit.)
AND, because I didn't take any Metformin (for my diabetes 2) between mid-June and the end of October, (I started again Nov. 1) my A1C was back up to 8.1, and it could be no more than 8 for my insurance to approve the surgery.
Dr. Berguson rescheduled me for Dec. 17, which means I'll be in Rehab over Christmas and our family's multiple birthday parties on Dec. 30.
On my way home, I stopped at the frozen yogurt place and bought SEVENTEEN ounces of the stuff, plus a chicken dinner beforehand at El Pollo Loco, and after the two-hour drive home, McDonalds. And, a couple "small" (not half-gallon; quart maybe?) containers of Hagen Daas cherry vanilla ice cream at Smith's. And ate both of them because I knew that "tomorrow" I'd be on the straight-and-narrow weight loss path.
My plan of course was to Sole-Source but of course that didn't last long. However, by watching myself, I was able to drop to 209.5 by this Tuesday (two weeks after my pre-op visit), which was an 8.7-lb. loss. Please don't tell me that was all water! <sickly grin>
Anyway, I have continued watching (for the most part) what I'm eating, mostly staying away from carbs and over-consumption, but tonight my daughter made cookies for herself and her husband, and I couldn't resist. I had one. And now they've left the house and I am having to FORCE myself to not go in their room and get the rest of them. I mean FORCE. The near-compulsion I'm facing is Absolutely Ridiculous!
This is fullblown addiction. I am ready to give up getting my painful knee replaced, If Only I could have the rest of those cookies!
But okay. I'm better now, just for writing this out. This support board is a fantastic place to be able to vent, to get over the humps we face as we battle our addiction.
I guess I haven't realized before this the compelling nature of the addiction. "I'm addicted to food," was a kind of funny way of excusing my actions. Tonight I am living through the reality, and it's not pretty, it's not cute, it's not an excuse.
The mental support I get from being on this board is great. Thank you so much, Pam, for keeping it up. Happy Holy Season everyone!
I am overwhelmed by your post! I feel empathy, because I suffered for many years with the agony of disabling bone on bone knee arthritis. I feel your anxiety because I too was driven by my food addiction, something hard to describe to someone who hasn't. I feel your frustration to be so close, and yet too far to get your needed surgery. I feel your sense of emotional chaos of feeling controlled by your cravings and compulsions. Yes...it is ridiculous that your insurance company is preventing you from having a surgery that would allow you more mobility so that you can increase activity and lose the weight and lower your A1C! It's all so exhausting and maddening and.....UGH!
If you were a recovering alcoholic with a couple of DUIs and arrests for public drunkenness and your daughter brought home a case of your drink of choice, would it feel any different then how you are feeling about those cookies? My guess is..no. You would be having the same internal battle that you are now. You would know you had NO BUSINESS touching any of it. Your poor choices have already landed you in a pile of consequences and the risk of going to jail is there. Would that be enough to strengthen you to resist and shut it down? Perhaps. But we all know the driving force of addiction can feel like standing in the middle of a hurricane. Of course, the choice to go somewhere safe is an option. Even if that safe place is only in your mind.
It is so important to develop the habit, skill, whatever you want to call it, to calmly say "No" to yourself when faced with food triggers. Whether at home, at work, at the store grocery shopping for your family, or in my case.. my secrete eating place of my past, my car parked next to a dumpster, you have to be able to center your thoughts and calm your anxiety and emotions and simply say "No" and turn away. Even if you have to say it 100 times. Giving in to destructive addictive behaviors is not an option. You are harming yourself and just like the alcoholic, you know it is wrong. No if's, and's, or but's. The only answer to it is "No".
Now, we can't turn back time. I know because Cher said so. So what happened is nothing more then a learning experience. It's part of your story of recovery. You did the right thing and came here and unloaded. Now it's time to get focused on that goal of getting your knee surgery and on to living your pain free life! I had both of my knees replaced 11 years ago and I have never regretted it! I was in pain since I was a teenager and the past 11 years have been night and day! You have that to look forward to. So forget the cookies. Little blobs of poison for us diabetics. Forget the holiday garbage foods that everyone ends up regretting gorging on. YOU are on a mission! WE are here to support you!! Addictions can be left behind and life is glorious without them. No lie...it takes a ton of work and self confrontation, successes and failures, grieving and celebrating, all of the emotions...but YOU CAN DO THIS
WELL IT SEEM RIDICULOUS BUT I HAVE BEEN THERE AND DONE WORSE!
Don't give up on your knee surgery. Next time you want a cookie and can't stop thinking about a cookie feed yourself 4 bites of protein- nothing that tastes sweet. I think it really helps.
I'm a food addict. Recognizing there is an issue and owning it is half the battle.
Thanks, Mary L, and thanks to being able to vent on this board last night, I was able to control myself.
Thanks too for the suggestion to eat a sweet high protein, Mary. It reminded me that there IS a jar of dill pickles in the fridge. They're neither sweet nor high protein, but the strong taste also is an or can be an appeaser.
I made some cabbage soup a couple of days ago, followed the recipe instead of thinking, and included a teaspoon of "red pepper flakes." If you like peppery stuff, you'd love this soup. As for me, it burned my mouth. Burns. But I added some leftover beef stock and another container of chicken stock, and it's better. I like veggies, so this is a good non-SS meal for me.
My daughter turned me on to Atkins frozen chicken and broccoli alfredo. Excellent and so easy to do, for $3/meal. That's twice the price of Cambridge, though, and another 50 cents more is Healthy Choice. It comes with two bowls, the alfredo sauce is in the bottom, so it's possible to just eat the chicken and brocolli.
But again, Cambridge is so much more affordable and you don't have to think about it. Besides, the Rich Chocolate Shake tastes like an indulgence. Now THAT's what I should have had when I wanted those cookies!
Yvonne is again leading the pack, giving us all hope even as she deals with a much more involved home situation. We need to make this our mantra: If Yvonne can do it, so can we!
We don't have to be perfect. We just have to be as I think it was Mary L yesterday who said we need to be persistent. Just think: If we just lost 10 pounds a month, we'd lose 120 lbs in a year!
MY suggestion was to eat something high protein-but NOT anything sweet. Sweetness- sweet tasting stuff is a trigger for some people and will just lead to wanting more junk. Sour dill pickles that are NOT sweet help too.
Another suggestion - have something made with Cambridge- which is nutrient rich.
