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holding it in and getting let go
Posted by generalmarkoff on 2/11/2008, 3:17 pm
I was in a phd program not too long ago and not being able to go in public was a factor which led to my termination. The prof's expected me to essentially live in the math building. Their idea of a good grad student was someone who camped outside their offices. I remember one day in particular where my hemmorrhoids were killing me after having forced a BM in the morning to avoid using the public bathroom. I had been at the building from 7:30-5:00 teaching, taking classes, and studying. It turns out one of the homework assignments given to us by our Abstract ALgebra prof was basically unsolveable without the help of collegues and friends. I stopped in on a team of fellow students trying to work through the problem, and they said they still hadnt got the answer. My ass was killing me, and I had to go home. I worked through the night on the problem and was still unsuccessful. The next day it turns out the other students had worked together and gotten the answer and I was SOL. The phd program required that I spend 17-20 hour days away from my toilet. This just wasn't possible for me. After I was terminated I actually had a job interview at the NSA as a math person. This is essentially the dream job for any mathematician. It was a three day long interview, so you can guess how terrible it was for me. Imagine not only having to spend the day not being around a home toilet, but also you are being watched by surveillence cameras everywhere. I had to give a lecture, do polygraphs, take a psychological assessment, etc. Note the psychiatrist was more interested in what I masturbated to over my obvious social anxieties. Currently I do substitute teaching. Its kind of a step back as I have a master's in theoretical mathematics, but I like it because the hours aren't long and the schools are close to my home (nothing like commuting an extra hour each day). Unfortunately, I still obsess over my BM's. Every other day I know I will be holding it in. I dont think about anything but that. I recently came up for a job interview for a long term sub teaching position. The principal was gung ho about how all his teachers worked 12 hour days. I was thinking to myself, "I cant hold in my crap for twelve hours straight." I truly feared getting hired for this job. I'm not someone who blows off responsibility or who doesn't like to work, I just can't crap in public. Truly this problem has effected all areas of my life. I have not had a girlfriend in 15 years and I've never worked what most people would consider a real job. I'm now 34 and just getting older and older. I feel like things are never going to work out for me.