thank you for all your answers!

I've moved in with my boyfriend by now... it's not always easy but it's getting better!

I discovered that I have the most success "going" when he is at home and we are not in the same room... for example when I'm doing laundry and he is in the kitchen - sometimes I get the urge and can go.

So relieved!

But holidays are still awful.

I think my problem is leaving a room full of people and then "going"... I never get the urge to go in these kinds of situations!