It started when I was 17, after what should have been a completely normal situation. I came home from school, ate lunch, and went to the bathroom like I always did. I felt a normal urge. Everything was fine until someone distracted me in the middle of it. I clenched up, the urge disappeared. and nothing came out.
At first I thought it was just weird and tried again. Still nothing. I tried pushing, but nothing would come out. That's when the fear and anxiety hit me. I remember thinking, this isn’t supposed to happen -what if I can't go anymore?
That day I went back to the toilet over and over, trying to fix it. Each time I sat there, tense and desperate, and each time nothing happened. The next day was the same. I was uncomfortable, bloated, anxious, and completely focused on my body in a way I never had been before.
I don't even remember exactly when I finally managed to poop again. What I do remember is how much that experience scared me, and how bad it felt.
So that was the moment something changed in my head. I learned, without anyone telling me, that my mind could block a basic bodily function. And that terrified me.
From then on, every bowel movement came with the same thought: What if I fail again?
Over time, that fear grew into full-blown parcopresis. I became anxious about pooping, especially if other people were around or if I felt rushed. My body learned to tense up before I even realized I was scared. Eventually, that tension became normal for me.
Now, years later, pooping doesn't just happen naturally anymore.
I usually feel only one urge a day - and only if the conditions are just right (meaning I'm completely alone). In the morning I have to consciously relax my body and focus on calming or pleasant thoughts just to get the urge to appear. If I don't do that, for example, if I'm focused on work or stressed - I won't feel any urge at all.
Even if the urge is present, I often have to wait until it's very strong, almost urgent (usually only watery stools can get me that urge, so for that reason I drink magnesium citrate daily). If anxiety gets in the way, for example, someone is awake, or I feel I'm being listened to, or time feels tight - my body just shuts down. And if I fail that one chance, that's it. No second urge. Just bloating, trapped gas, discomfort, and the fear of eating for the rest of the day.
What's especially frustrating is that even when I'm completely alone, it usually takes me from 2-3 hours to have a bowel movement, and even then it feels incomplete. I think this is because my muscles have learned to tighten instead of relax, and I've likely developed something called anismus. So it doesn't feel like this is only psychological anymore.
I don't have any trouble peeing in public, which probably means this is very specific to bowel movements and related to that first bad experience.
Right now, living with other people feels impossible. I also don't have the money to fully live on my own, so I move between a few places my family has. My life feels extremely limited, and sometimes it's hard not to compare myself to my friends who are enjoying their lives while I'm stuck wondering if I'll ever be able to live with someone. The idea of living alone forever terrifies me.
The main reason I'm posting this is to get this off my chest. I'm just so tired of my life and my body.
I also want to ask: has anyone here had parcopresis this severe and managed to improve it at least somewhat? I'm not even talking about full recovery but just being able to live with other people and not worrying about pooping. And does anyone else spend hours in the bathroom even when alone? I know this might be more related to pelvic floor issues than parcopresis itself, but I'd really appreciate hearing your experiences.
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