Get Behind Starmer? We’ll Take No Lectures From Tory-Enabling Centrists
April 13, 2021
Regular readers will know I spend much of my writing time talking about establishment pet, Keir Starmer, and the diabolical state of the Labour Party, and I doubt this will end up being much different.
I also write about the Tories (blue), their blatant corruption, their abominable handling of the Coronavirus crisis, and the racist, homophobic, philandering pond sludge of a Prime Minister, Johnson.
But today I want to spend a tiny bit of time talking about the supporters of Keir Starmer.
Yep, they exist, and like most peculiarities, they come in various forms.
Firstly, you have the “I voted for Corbyn” version.
Yes, they probably did vote for Jeremy to become Party leader, perhaps twice. This is to prove their loyalty to the Labour Party, no matter who the leader might be. It’s supposed to add some sort of authenticity to what they’re saying, whereas in fact it makes them look unprincipled and power hungry.
Power without principles is like owning a bow without any arrows.
Don’t get me wrong, I know you usually need to be in power to introduce the changes that you want to make. But what good is that power if the changes that you want to make will only ever benefit the few? We’ve already got a Conservative Party for that. We do not need or want another Conservative Party or a slightly less evil version. The electorate delivered their verdict on this approach in 2010 and 2015.
Thank god that Corbyn chap came along and added 3.5 million votes in the Labour column back in 2017. What a crying shame his own party devoted the following two years to making sure that never happened again.
We will never forgive you, and we will never forget.
Then we move on to the next type of Starmer supporter - the centrist dad.
Don’t be fooled by the name.
They’re not just centrists and they’re not just dads. The centrist dad is typically very pro-remain and typically a middle-aged male Twitter user.
Centrist dads tend to take issue with left-wing policies such as nationalising the railways and public utilities. They also share a trait with the right when it comes to flags. One of their favourite flags is the flag of the European Union, although we have seen signs of faux British patriotism in recent times, and plenty of dog whistling, because they think anyone living north of Milton Keynes is a thick racist - something I can confirm to be utterly untrue.
Think of it as a political midlife crisis and you can’t go far wrong. From my own personal experience I have found them to be amongst the most patronising and hateful individuals Twitter has to offer, and believe me, the competition is fierce.
I remember when the centrist dads tried to take ownership of the label and turn it into a cool thing. I’m not sure my insides ever quite recovered from the cringeworthy attempt to look and sound hip.
If you have trouble identifying the centrist dad, let me offer you a few typical things you might hear them say on Twitter.
"It's impossible to have social justice without balancing the books, and Corbyn is going to realise that some day."
"In many ways, the coalition years showed Britain at its best."
"Tony Blair knew how to win elections, that's the thing."
“That week when Blur and Oasis were battling it out for control of the charts, what a time for music that was”.
Political idols will include Ken Clarke, President Macron, St Tony of Blair, Sadiq Khan, and Anna ####ing Soubry.
Weekly shops are usually done at Waitrose and will include at least 4 specialised bottles of ale that you’d never be able to pick up in Aldi’s.
Keir Starmer looks and behaves much like a centrist dad, oddly enough, he is a centrist, and a dad. But it goes further than that.
Starmer’s own lack of charisma reflects that of the centrist dad. They see a kindred spirit in Starmer, for here is a political leader that is actually quite comfortable with being dull and useless.
A charisma void becomes the undoing of leaders. It makes them inflexible, convinced of their own infallibility and unable to change. Yes, charisma will only win people's attention. Once you have their attention, you have to have something substantial to tell them.
What has Starmer got to tell us? Nothing. Literally nothing. Tell a lie, he might tell us, for the 346th time, “we support the government”.
Starmer may as well be the Secretary of State for Boris Johnson. I cannot remember a Labour leader so vocally supportive of a hard-right Conservative government. Can you?
When every man and his dog, and woman, was calling for the resignation of Matt Hancock, along came the Knight of the realm in shining armour to say Hancock didn’t need to go because it’s not what the British public wanted to see.
In April 2020, the bodies were piling up in the morgues. Just one week after Starmer’s appointment Britain was at the peak of the first wave of this awful pandemic. While we were demanding an immediate investigation into how and why we ended up relying on washing our hands and singing ‘Happy Birthday’ twice as an adequate form of defence against a killer virus. Starmer said “now isn’t the time”.
It was the time.
How were we supposed to learn the lessons from the appalling failure that caused tens of thousands of unnecessary deaths if the official Opposition leader cannot bring himself to ask the important questions?
Starmer will refuse to own his many deficiencies, so the electorate will force him to own them, starting in Hartlepool and ending in his resignation.
The final Starmer-diehards I’ll mention are a combination of the previous two examples - the pretend socialist closet centrist dad hybrid that lives and breathes for WhatsApp group inclusion.
You may well hear and read these following favoured jibes:
“You’re a Tory enabler.”
“I supported Jeremy Corbyn so you should support Sir Keir Starmer.”
“Boris Johnson must be paying you.”
And my personal favourite:
“Calling someone Keith is childish. Unfollowed.”
They are Tory-Enabling Starmer trolls in every sense.
Or just call them “Testies”..
The Testies can provide you with hours and hours of free entertainment. All you need is a little bit of battery power and a knack for criticising their leader, Keith.
The Testies are renowned for declaring their unswerving support for the Labour Party, through good times and bad, but more often than not a quick Twitter search reveals how they were declaring Jo Swinson was actually going to be the next Prime Minister and how proud they were to vote Lib Dem in 2017 and 2019.
If you ever want to find examples of classic Testies you could do worse than head to the Twitter account of my friend Ben Jolly.
Ben often receives tweets from Keir Starmer supporters, telling him to get behind the democratically elected leader, just like they did throughout the Corbyn years. Then he dives through their historic tweets and will find a mountain of abuse aimed at Jeremy Corbyn and his supporters, as well as confessions of their Lib Dem voting anti-socialist past.
The Testies take hypocrisy to whole new levels.
When we needed and asked for their support we were told where to go. They actively campaigned against the twice-elected leader Corbyn, ensuring we ended up with a hard-right Tory government headed up by a shag-anything drunkard.
Like we are *ever* going to take any unity lectures from a few deluded Lib Dems though.
And now they tell us to get behind Keir Starmer? Get ####ing real.
Let me be absolutely clear: I’ll get behind a reversing bus before I get behind any political leader that is a staunch defender of the rotting corpse of capitalism and a proud torchbearer for the status quo.
Finally, when the snowflakey centrists get annoyed with you for calling them “Keithites”, “Starmerrhoids”, “Keirleaders”, “Testies”, or even “Manic Keith Preachers”, just remember what they called you.
“Nazi stormtroopers”, “Stalinists”, “Trots, rabble and dogs”, “terrorist sympathisers”, “Commie scum”, “racists and antisemites” and “cultists”.
Starmer and his supporters will barely leave a mark on the history books, unless you’re counting skid marks. The uninspiring beigeness just doesn’t connect with the general public. Love him or not, Jeremy Corbyn had the human touch that a vast majority of British politicians just haven’t got.
Jeremy Corbyn could pull a crowd of 10,000 on a wet Thursday evening in Gateshead. Starmer couldn’t pull a toilet chain without seeking balanced flushing advice from a focus group or two.
Anyway, I have a dog to walk and a blog to upload, so I better be off.