The Lifeboat News: For a moment there, I thought our weekly prayer group's petition had been answered.

Dear God/Allah/Buddha/other entity of your choice, we ask you to afflict Tony Blair with a brain aneurysm that will lead to his slow and painful death. Lord, make those blood vessels bulge out of his head and explode. Make him writhe on the floor in contrition for his cynical, ignorant attacks on the people of Iraq, Syria, Afghanistan, Palestine, Pakistan and Yemen, for his ceaseless hounding of political dissidents, human rights activists, Labour Party members and many more too numerous to mention.

When Blair reaches for the phone to call 911 and accidentally dials 0800-HOOKERS, Lord, please remind him of all the people he has slaughtered and defamed without mercy.

Oh Lord, as Tony Blair lies on the floor and contemplates his miserable life, make him lose control of his bowels so that the last warm feeling he experiences is his own shit. Oh Lord, grant us this wish. Your humble servants forever and ever, Amen.