"I'm a good boy. You can trust me. I won't piss on the carpet. Can I have a biscuit?"

Yup. The guy is so supine he gives me the creeps. I don't think they could have found a more contemptible cringeworthy establishment "Simp" if they had ordered it specially made:

Simp: "an internet slang term describing someone who shows excessive sympathy and attention toward another person, typically someone who does not reciprocate the same feelings, in pursuit of affection or a sexual relationship."