Clio the cat, ? July 1997 - 1 May 2016
Poor snowflakes don't even have a safe space they can retreat to
Laura K
17 Mar 2024
Patriots are hugely upset by the shock news that England, Scotland and Ireland are led by brown men, and Wales is led by a… a … black man. Honestly, I thought it was bad enough when Sadiq Khan became London mayor and Meghan Markle married a ginger, but this is clearly a step too far.
Enoch Powell warned us that when this day comes there will be rivers of blood which are nothing like the rivers of blood we’ve left in places like Palestine. Obviously, hypothetical rivers of blood created by non-whites are much worse than actual rivers of blood created by us.
Part of the reason patriots are so upset is that no one knows Ireland is no longer part of the British empire, but even so, I’m pretty sure Scotland, England, and what’s-it-called, um, Wales are part of the British empire. I don’t even know where Wales is, but I’m so fucking upset about this! It turns out Great Replacement Theory was correct, after all. How do I do three crying emojis on this thing?
Hold on, I need a minute to gather myself…
Okay, I’ve just Googled “Wales”, and you don’t wanna know… It’s all mountains, sheep and someone called Charlotte Church who thinks Palestinians count as human beings. No wonder it fell…
Clearly, the world is going to end unless we do something to stop this madness, such as introduce maximum pigment levels for our politicians. We are running out of time, people.
The four dark men of the apocalypse are Rishi Sunak, Humza Yousaf, Leo Varadkar, and Vaughan Gething. I have it on good authority they drink the blood of children and behave exactly like all other politicians, including the ones who are white.
These British-born people come over here and refuse to respect our traditional values such as diversity, tolerance and democracy. This is why we shouldn’t have foreigners running the UK. I think we can all agree we should have people like Boris Johnson who was born in the US, much to their embarrassment.
Yesterday, I spent hours trawling the streets of Londonistan so that I could find three random members of the public who shared my political views and are representative of the “silent majority”, which is also known as the “white minority”.
I caught up with a man with no GCSEs and three teeth who told me he wanted to be prime minister and he’s sick of people who were born in this country coming over here and taking his jobs. Obviously, they’re the real racists, living their lives and expecting to participate in our system like equals. These people just refuse to integrate, don’t they?
The man ranted that “indigenous British people” need to take back control of their country, but a passer-by pointed out the first people on these shores had black skin and blue eyes and he sadly exploded. RIP.
Once I’d cleaned the gore off me, I caught up with another man who was furious the country is run by non-whites who hate him, and he wants to return to the good ol’ days when the country was run by whites who hate him. At least then he had racial groups that he could look down on. That was the one thing that made his life with a low paid job, extortionate bills, and restricted access to his kids tolerable.
He explained white men are the most discriminated against group in society and whites have become a minority of just 87.2%. Poor thing was clearly traumatised by the days when Africans had a global slave trade and subjugated Europeans for centuries. I’m not sure why he thought of himself as white though because his skin was bright red, if not purple. Perhaps he is just an ally.
Anyways, now is definitely the time to rise up and demand a fairer world where we are not discriminated against for our skin colour… Um, hang on, ignore me, that sounded a bit woke! Let’s be honest, none of us want equality, do we? We all want privilege so we can angrily yell at people that we don’t have privilege.
The Tories might have fallen to the dark side, but hopefully we can get Penny Mordor in charge so we can bring back British values, such as having the correct pigment in the skin of our leaders.
Or even better, we could bring back the legendary Liz Truss who has an amazing economic plan that involves banning transgender people. I’m optimistic she could be persuaded to extend this policy to non-whites and people who post their Wordle scores online.
In fact, you can consider this article to be the launch of the campaign to bring back Liz Truss! So tell your friends and family to demand another mini-budget, get those hashtags trending on Twitter, and get your lettuce shredders ready because we simply cannot afford to be outwitted again. Otherwise, it’s a matter of time until we have a government led by Diane Abbott and Nish Kumar and that doesn’t bear thinking about
The last working-class hero in England.
Kira the cat, ? ? 2010 - 3 August 2018
Jasper the Ruffian cat ? ? ? - 4 November 2021
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