https://www.normalisland.co.uk/p/tories-coincidentally-received-5m
These two things are totally unrelated
Laura K
Mar 29, 2024

Rishi Sunak has confirmed his decision to award Egyptian billionaire Mohamed Mansour a knighthood was in no way influenced by Mohamed's generous £5 million donation to the Tory Party.

The prime minister rebuked his critics, insisting the decision was just as legitimate as the time the Tories honoured Lord Lebedev of Siberia, and definitely not as embarrassing as the time they gave a knighthood to Gavin Williamson and a peerage to the 29-year-old secretary who gave Boris Johnson a really good, um, never mind. What matters is there is no corruption to see here. None whatsoever.

The people who are so stingy they will starve working class children to save themselves 0.5% in tax, just love giving money away and getting nothing in return. Donors hand large sums over to political parties because it makes them feel good inside to know they’re lining the pockets of the worst bastards in society.

If you’re concerned that rich people could be buying honours from the government, you will be reassured to hear they also get to write legislation. This is why new laws always benefit them and never benefit you. If you want laws that work in your favour, try pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and buying yourself a politician, you layabout.

The problem with Generation Entitlement is they only think of themselves and never think of serving others, whereas Mansour, a former transport minister to dictator Hosni Mubarak, admirably served British society by founding investment firm Man Capital which made him even richer than he already was.

Mansour, who until recently was the largest Tory donor in history, was honoured for services to charity, the charity in question being the Conservative Party.

The Labour Party had unreasonably asked the Tories to give the money back because Mansour’s company was operating in Russia after sanctions were imposed, but the prime minister shrugged and said: “So what? As far as I know, Akshata’s businesses are still operating in Moscow and it’s not done our bank balance any harm, has it? We’re worth seven hundred million quid!”

Sunak explained he doesn’t give a crap what the public thinks because he’s on the way out and he’s using his final months in power in the most self-serving, I mean selfless manner possible. This is why he awarded a knighthood to Demis Hassabis, founder of artificial intelligence company DeepMind that created the Rishi Sunak prototype that’s 21% more human-like than Liz Truss. This knighthood has led to suggestions that it’s wrong for the creation to honour its creator, but let’s be honest, if you could program a robot to give you a knighthood, you definitely would.

The Rishbot 3000 has also honoured several Conservative MPs who totally earned their titles by fucking the country up so badly for 14 years there are only four dentists left in the UK and turds wash up on our shores daily because they abolished sewage treatment facilities to save a few quid.

Our beaches might be no-go zones and our one tooth might be useless for anything apart from opening bottles, but at least we’ve made the brown cliffs of Dover so undesirable that the refugees in Calais are thinking of calling off their dinghy invasion and we get to call a few rich people we’ve never heard of “Sir”. I think we can all agree this was worth it.