https://www.normalisland.co.uk/p/rishi-sunak-decides-to-end-political
Even I don't think he stands a chance!
Laura K
May 22, 2024

Rishi Sunak, the UK’s greatest prime minister since Liz Truss, has announced he will be stepping down through a process known as a “general election” that he has zero chance of winning.

The election will take place on July 4th, and if you’re concerned, you will be reassured to hear a replacement called Sir Keir Starmer has been lined up who is identical to Rishi in every way, apart from the model no. on the back of his neck.

In October 2022, Rishi roared into power through an inspiring democratic process in which the Tories got rid of their previous unelected prime minister (their fourth in a row) and installed Rishi, even though no one voted for him. This process was every bit as democratic as the way we choose our head of state and every member of the House of Lords, so stop complaining!

Rishi had actually lost a leadership contest to Liz Truss, but the Tories made him leader anyway a few weeks later, after deciding Tory members were too stupid to choose our prime minster. Ordinarily, the fewer people we have voting for a leader, the better it is for democracy, but in this case, we lost a legend who was determined to open up Chinese pork markets, something Rishi sadly failed to do. Don’t even get me started on the cheese problem.

Prior to becoming prime minister, Rishi was a popular chancellor who caused Covid cases to spike after introducing his £849 million Eat Out to Help Out scheme without consulting his horrified science advisers. This scheme gave out restaurant vouchers that only middle-class people could afford to take advantage of. At the time, British school kids were starving in the summer holidays so Rishi splashed out a whopping £0 on his Eat Nowt to Help Out scheme.

Even more impressive, Dominic Cummings confirmed that during the second lockdown, man of the people Rishi compassionately argued behind closed doors to “just let people die” because it was cheaper that way. What a guy!

Now I’m not one to do identity politics, but Rishi broke a glass ceiling by becoming the first unelected prime minister who is less than four feet tall. Inspiringly, he was one of life’s genuine underdogs, being worth only £700 million when he came to power. This proved that you don’t have to come from a select group of about 20 twats from Eton to lead our country. Other rich twats can do it too.

British-Indians who are worth hundreds of millions say they have felt totally represented by Rishi’s leadership. Other British-Indians have felt no more represented than the wider public, but they’re not rich so who cares? If you do not like Rishi, you do not like representation for rich people, you racist!

Instead of policies, Rishi focused on dignified things like a pointless culture war, and he tactfully argued that women don’t have penises in front of Brianna Ghey’s mother in parliament. This was exactly what people who couldn’t afford to pay their energy bills wanted him to say, proving he always had his finger on the pulse.

The policy that Rishi built his leadership around was the Rwanda plan which solved the terrifying invasion of migrant dinghies by getting rid of zero refugees at a cost of only £300 million. The courts had banned Rishi’s flagship policy because Rwanda is not a safe country, so Rishi passed a law pretending that Rwanda is a safe country and he still didn’t get anyone sent there. Suella Braverman is seething that she couldn’t order the Navy to blast the dinghies out of the water. Bloodshed is the one thing that gets her aroused.

As a principled politician, Rishi vociferously complained about China detaining and torturing their own people, but he clarified it’s fine to detain and torture Julian Assange because he’s an Australian and who cares about those?

Rishi has done everything to ensure Assange dies in prison for being the most reliable journalist ever with 100% accuracy, smashing my record of 47%. Reliable journalism cannot be tolerated in a democratic society, yet there is real concern the courts could set Assange free. Perhaps Rishi knew what was coming and decided to step down before dealing with such a catastrophic failure. We can only speculate.

Perhaps Rishi’s biggest failing was that he rejected Trussonomics because he prefers to destroy the economy in an incremental manner, rather than the apocalyptic approach of his predecessor. Bloody moderate.

When he was first wheeled off the Career-Politician Production Line, Rishi could only utter a few robotic lines with a rigid smile and dead eyes, but after lots of practice, the Rishbot 3000 eventually learnt to speak human, a skill his predecessor Trussbot 9 has still not mastered. (Liz was designated the number 9 because she can only count with her fingers, meaning double digits would have been a bit much.)

Thankfully, Rishi is good with numbers and a huge fan of freeports which are basically deregulated zones where rich people make the rules and don’t pay taxes, just like Akshata Murthy. The government sold a place called Teesside (uncharted land in the north where savages roam) to developers for a whopping £96.79 because they decided that’s all Teesside is worth. The developers made £120 million from this deal with zero investment, leaving Rishi to consider maybe buying Cumbria before he leaves office.

It’s fair to say Rishi has spent his time in office focusing on what matters most to the British public - making himself richer. This is why his family business Infosys continued to operate in Russia after sanctions made it illegal to do so. Thankfully, absolutely nothing happened to Rishi because Tories are above the law, unless they’ve done something petty, like the time Rishi got a Fixed Penalty Notice for Partygate to prove we hold politicians accountable in this country.

Rishi never bothered to declare his family’s £1.7 billion shares in Infosys on the Register of Ministers’ Interests because it was such small change, he just forgot. His wife also forgot to pay tax by accidentally taking advantage of non-domicile status. When this was discovered, her husband sensibly launched an inquiry to find out who leaked this information to the press. I’m unclear if they ever found the culprit, but I hope the bastard got what’s coming to them. Incidentally, the Sunaks forgot they held US green cards and hadn’t bothered to pay taxes over there either.

As everyone knows, taxes are not supposed to be for rich people. They’re only there to ensure ordinary people can’t afford to send their kids to private school. We have to maintain the system of privilege somehow.

Undoubtedly, Rishi’s biggest achievement during his time in office was his unwavering support for Israel’s genocide in Gaza. Rishi rejected South Africa’s case at the ICJ and continued selling weapons to Israel, even when his lawyers told him this was a really fucking stupid idea. He refused to publicly admit his lawyers told him it was a really fucking stupid idea. Sensibly, Rishi is now rejecting the ICC’s arrest warrants for Netanyahu and Gallant in case the judges come for him next.

Rishi might have been a mixed bag, but at least he showed he’s a man of principle when it truly mattered. If ever there is a time to make a stand, it’s when someone asks you to stop sending weapons to a genocide and you want to continue sending weapons to a genocide. This is as good a reason as any to jeopardise your reputation, your political career and your freedom. Fittingly, Rishi’s favourite song is “I will go down with this ship” by Dildo.

Let’s not forget that Rishi is one of only five Tory prime ministers we’ve had since 2010, and it’s fair to say during the past 14 years, everything has got better. For example, 1 in 3 children are now living in poverty, one million hungry children are deprived of free school meals, food bank users have gone up from 26,000 to 3 million, nearly half of workers are in insecure work, 80% of self-employed people are below the poverty line, homelessness has risen by 1,000%, the national debt has doubled to £1,700,000,000,000, life expectancy has gone down, and importantly, the rich have more than tripled their wealth!

Given this incredible list of achievements, you are probably concerned the Tories’ time in office is coming to an end, but you will be relieved the incoming Sir Keir Starmer has promised to keep things exactly the fucking same. This election is going to be brilliant for everyone who is praying that absolutely nothing changes