https://www.normalisland.co.uk/p/tories-to-bring-back-national-service
It's only what they deserve
Laura K
May 26, 2024

The people who are too old to do national service have decided it would be a fantastic idea to bring back national service because it's the only way to fix the country that gen Z have ruined by being woke.

In case you didn’t know, the people who were 4-years-old when the Tories came to power are the reason the Tories have done such a terrible job, now that we’re no longer blaming refugees in dinghies.

The Tories said national service would cost £2.5 billion a year, which I’m pretty sure is the money they couldn’t find for the NHS pay rise. Their plans would involve forcing young people to join the military for a year, even if they’re not remotely cut out for it, and would rather be beaten by police at an anti-genocide protest than fight for this damn country!

Normal Island News is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

National service was recently trialled in France and only 32,000 people signed up, which proves the few young people who agree with us are thrilled by the idea - and the rest don’t count. Obviously, young people shouldn’t get to decide if they do national service, old people should.

Your 16-year-old daughter who spends her time doing her makeup and posting selfies on Instagram will be expected to become GI Jane in two years. Your 17-year-old son who has never had a girlfriend and spends his time streaming gaming sessions on Twitch to his two followers will be expected to step outside next year!

I’m sure you will be delighted at the prospect of your kids serving one year in the military to prepare them to be cannon fodder in World War III. Obviously, these layabouts are no good to society because they’re doing what they enjoy, rather than what old people want them to do: be prepared to die every time The Daily Mail scares them with a story about Putin.

If they don't like the sound of that, they will be allowed to volunteer to give up their weekends and provide free labour because we don’t want to pay them. This volunteering will be the best kind of volunteering, the one where they're not given a choice. If we paid teenagers for this work it would be “big government” which would be “socialism” which would be bad, but if we make them do it for free, it counts as “freedom”! You see how it works?

It is hoped that by conditioning young people to accept work for no pay, we can condition them to be grateful for the minimum wage once they’ve served their time. If not, we’ll just bring back workhouses and the death penalty.

I’m sure you will agree young people who are unemployed should be forced to do unpaid work because the last thing they need is a wage. The young people who are employed should be forced to do more work because why the fuck should they get time to enjoy their lives? They should learn that hard work is rewarded… by getting no reward for their hard work.

This plan might cause a problem for all the people who are on zero-hours contracts and need to be available whenever the boss calls. But thankfully, the Tories have confirmed that if they get fired for volunteering on the weekend, it’s their own fault for being lazy.

All that matters is that young people who don’t want to be compost in a poppy field are punished by having no money and no time off because fuck them! Old Tories who watch Dad’s Army reruns want to feel patriotic about another world war they never fought in and that’s all that matters.

Tories really want to go to eastern Europe to fight Russia, it’s just that they don’t fancy doing it themselves, so what better than bullying your sons and daughters to do it instead? The people who’ve been given nothing by society, other than tuition fees and a climate crisis, should be willing to die for the people who hate them and everything they stand for!

The Tories have indicated young people could be arrested for refusing to comply, but worryingly, we do not have the prison capacity to jail everyone with blue hair who likes watching anime. The government is therefore hoping to find some extra money to build prisons. This is a much better idea than scrapping tuition fees. The people who benefitted from free university tuition totally agree.

A man who was forty years too young to fight in a world war told me: “My generation knows the meaning of sacrifice because they fought and died in two world wars. I hate young people so much, I want the same for them!”

A 64-year-old landlord called Bill who makes every penny through passive income told me: “Young people these days just want everything for free. I worked hard to buy my first house for £3,000 in 1983, then I built up a cheap property portfolio and voted for successive governments to price young people out of the housing market. This increased the value of my assets while I sat back and did nothing. Young people don’t know the meaning of hard work like I do!”

Since we’re all in agreement national service is such a brilliant way of making people better citizens, some bright spark suggested bringing it back for all ages. They even suggested boomers could go first to show the youngsters how patriotic they are.

Every boomer in the country screamed: “Shut the fuck up, woketard!” then added: “We don’t need to do national service because we turned out just fine without it.” Sadly, it would not be possible for young people to turn out just fine without it.