https://www.normalisland.co.uk/p/man-freed-from-prison-despite-undeniable
This is a dark day for the establishment
Jun 25, 2024

In one of the most disgraceful moments in history, a man has been freed from prison despite the undeniable evidence he is guilty of journalism. [reportage actually]

For those who are confused, I’m not talking about the propaganda that real journalists like me do, I’m talking about the actual journalism that idealistic fools think they’re going to do when they’re at journalist school before they get into the real world and find out you can’t publish anything that upsets the rich and powerful. You certainly can’t publish… the truth. Shudder.

Anyways, this bastard called Julian Assange decided he would publish the truth regardless because he has something called… integrity. No wonder he couldn’t make it in the real world. Who the hell is going to let someone with integrity climb the ladder?

Assange had been publishing documented evidence that the US and UK governments had been breaking domestic and international law. The fact he had never published anything about Russia or China proves he was, in fact, a terrorist, even though he had published things about Russia and China. Let’s not let facts get in the way of our smears, okay?

Assange showed the world that US troops were killing unarmed civilians and the CIA was spying on the public, so naturally we told the world he was guilty of horrible sex crimes. If we told the public he was only guilty of telling the truth, they would probably not have consented to our brutal persecution of the man, so all we could do was lie - and we lied in the most dignified way possible by making up rape stories.

When the rape stories failed to get Assange extradited because they fell apart under the most basic scrutiny, the charges were dropped, and instead it was decided he’d broken an archaic law in the US, even though he’d never set foot in the US. The only problem was the first amendment meant he could never be found guilty. Therefore, the US decided that human rights do not extend to people who’ve never set foot on US soil, only US laws do. This seemed like a clever checkmate to guarantee Assange would finally be extradited to the US to stand trial for journalism. As the only journalist in history with a 100% accuracy rating, he deserved no less.

Given Assange is the last living journalist, it was hoped we could put him on public display like the last dodo or Tasmanian tiger so people could point and say “Oh, so that’s what journalists looked like?” and “Wow, I didn’t think they were so human-like!” However, it was feared Assange could scare people by yelling the truth that they’re brainwashed fucking idiots who need to stop automatically believing everything they’re told! Plus, it turns out there was no legal basis for extraditing him because he hadn’t committed any crime, other than skipping bail for the other crime he hadn’t committed.

Even our judges can’t get away with ignoring the law so blatantly, so the UK told the US to strike a plea deal with Assange to save face. The US then bullied Assange into pleading guilty to a felony charge so they could convince the world he was at least guilty of something and they weren’t just vindictive bastards who’d mentally destroyed a man by keeping him in solitary confinement for five years in a 2x3 metre cell, isolated for 23 hours a day.

You will be pleased to know Assange faced one of the toughest punishments ever for a man who has committed no crime - and his punishment is not yet over. Unfortunately for Assange, he is getting sent to a place called “Australia”. That’s the place we send irritating celebrities for that TV show where we make them eat cockroaches which is hotter than death valley and full of snakes, spiders, scorpions, crocodiles, and even jellyfish that want to fucking kill you. Even worse, it’s full of Australians and Russel Crowe.

What’s important is that every starry-eyed journalist who had aspirations of “truth telling” knows what will happen to them if they cross the line. It’s important that we scare the shit out of journalists to protect free speech because we wouldn’t want to be one of those bad countries like Russia or China. It’s terrible what they do to journalists over there, isn’t it?