https://www.normalisland.co.uk/p/the-postal-ballots-are-looking-grim
but don't worry, nothing is going to change!
Jul 03, 2024

In a total non-violation of electoral law, I’ve been taking a sneak peak at the postal ballots again. You’re gonna need to sit down for this one because I can confirm they are looking rather grim… for the Tories. It turns out even Theresa May has voted Labour, for fuck’s sake. That sound you can hear is the wailing of gen Z as they realise they won’t be giving up their weekends for national service, after all. The three of them who are voting Tory are understandably devastated.

The Tories had hoped all their gerrymandering and voter ID rules would rig things in their favour, but sadly, they’re so far behind, even cheating is unlikely to be enough. Ordinarily, I would spin any Tory predicament into a positive, but even I, with all my powers of propaganda, can’t save what’s-his-face now.

Oh bollocks, the Tories have been such a roaring success that I can’t even remember the name of the prime minister now. The one who came after Liz Truss, even though no one voted for him. Um, the guy who is indistinguishable from Starmer, but with a nicer smile. You know the one I mean… Akshata’s husband! Yes, the one with 14 houses with heated swimming pools! Yeah, he’s been rubbish, but I’m still going to miss him…

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I’ll be honest with you, I’m in a state of disbelief here. After 14 years of fucking over the poor and dumping shit in our rivers, it seems the glory days of Tory rule really are coming to an end. I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself. Actually, who am I kidding? I’m going to suck up to Starmer and pretend I’ve always loved Labour! Well, not always, since Corbyn left! Even Starmer hated Labour prior to 2020, but Labour is a safe space for people who hate Labour now.

After the election, the 14 remaining Tory MPs are expected to join the Labour Party which has some room after kicking out all the people who believe in Labour values. This should reassure everyone who wants business as usual - and who doesn’t?

We might have the longest waiting list in NHS history, but at least we have six times more billionaires than we had in 2010. This is what David Cameron meant when we said “we’re all in this together” before punishing poor people for the crimes of bankers. All that surplus wealth has definitely trickled down because ordinary people are £11,000 a year worse off, mostly thanks to the Truss effect.

The country is absolutely booming, isn’t it? Tory Britain is a place where you can wander along boarded up high streets, screaming that an immigrant stole your job, and if you want to cheer yourself up, you can paddle among turds and tampons at the beach, as long as you don’t mind Polio which is making a long-awaited comeback. Hopefully, we can bring back the cane and workhouses next.

Everything has improved due to the tireless work of our elected officials who let the bodies pile high while they threw pandemic parties, and doubled homelessness while cutting taxes on Champagne, and tripled child poverty while Boris Johnson tripled the child population.

The Tories even abolished the idea of dentistry after deciding teeth were an unnecessary luxury like housing or food. This is what I love about the Tories. They get rid of all the unnecessary things to save you money and you end up poorer anyway. Plus, your smile scares children now.

I just love how the Tories never bothered with all that woke crap and identity politics, and instead gave us true representation by putting the finest women and the most tolerable minorities into power. This is how we ended up with legends like Nadine Dorries, Priti Patel, Suella Braverman, Liz Truss, Kemi Badenoch, and Therese Coffey.

I love them all equally, but I think I love Nadine Dorries the most. No one else could have spent five years on the drink and still served her constituents so admirably. Who can forget when she declared war on Channel 4 and threatened to privatise it for telling the truth about Boris Johnson? Politics just hasn’t been the same since the day she stood down.

I’m just worried we could lose some more big hitters at this election. If Therese Coffey loses her seat, I think I’ll be broken. I mean she just gives me so much to write about, doesn’t she? Imagine how boring these columns would be without her environmental reforms that increased sales of biohazard suits by 5,000%. I can only assume Therese owns shares in the Umbrella Corporation.

My job was hard enough when Liz Truss was mortally wounded by a lettuce, the thought of losing Therese would be too much to bear. I caught up with my friends Suella and Priti for some moral support, and things got a bit tearful, but they reassured me that when their political careers end, they will always have the Dalmation puppy farm, and that made me feel better. Sometimes we all need feelgood stories to cheer us up.

What I find particularly painful is that almost everyone says they are voting Labour to get rid of the Tories, the insensitive bastards. The few people who actually like Starmer say they are most excited that everyone else will be upset at having a rubbish prime minister. They can’t actually name a Labour policy they like!

According to YouGov, only 5% of voters are backing Labour for their policies, which I don’t understand because their policies are the same as the Tories’, but ever-so-slightly woke. Are they not thrilled that Starmer U-turned on the pledges that might have improved their lives? Do they not appreciate woke policies such as hoping for a 5% reduction in the deaths of Palestinian children, only allowing sewage dumping on weekends, and limiting Nadine Dorries’ alcohol intake? What the fuck is wrong with these people?

Say what you want about Sir Keir Starmer, but he is a man of principle. For example, he hates state handouts, but he is more than happy to take £76,000 worth of entertainment, clothes and freebies from his donors. Obviously, taking handouts is fine if you’re offering the person policy concessions in return. Unemployed people should take some time to think about this…

If my American fans are getting a bit lost by my ranting, I would like to explain Sir Keir Starmer is basically the British Hillary Clinton, or a pre-dementia Joe Biden. Surprisingly though, our election is not going to be a close-run thing because British people still think their vote will make a difference.

Americans don’t bother voting because the two candidates are identical, but the British decided to replace Akshata’s husband with Starmer because the two men are identical. This is why British people are smarter than Americans.

By the end of the year, the US is going to have an embarrassment like Trump whereas we’re going to have someone who looks sensible when he does exactly the same things. It’s gonna be like Blair and Bush all over again and we all know how well that went, don’t we?

Tory rule might be coming to an end, but let’s console ourselves with the fact we’re bringing neo-conservatism back into fashion! Every dark cloud and all that